2 months already??

I can't believe that 2 months have passed already since my D&C and death of our son Chilion. It seems like just yesterday that I was excited and looking forward to his arrival on Feb. 1st 2010. I woke up this morning feeling very down and just, for lack of a better word, icky.

I was praying about it this morning and the feelings did not go away. I even prayed that I would not be driven by my feelings but rather that God would grant me peace and strength. I posted on my Facebook page that I am having a hard day and to please pray for me. Also if any of my friends wanted to come by that I would be okay with that. (I don't remember exactly what was posted and can't check because we have facebook blocked from 7a-3p. otherwise I'm on it for a large part of the day. I'm so grateful my husband knows computers so well). :-)

Then, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging and suggesting that I do something for someone else to get the focus off of myself. (a little back story) A lady from my morning women's bible study is starting a service project. The project is to make no sew fleece blankets for children at Safe Embrace. Safe Embrace is a battered women's shelter in the Reno Area. (back to my post)
One of the ladies at church donated some fabric yesterday. So I started making a blanket. It was actually very therapeutic for a couple of reasons, (1) I was helping someone else (2) I was doing something active by using my hands (3) I have a heart for children - especially ones in difficult situations.

I am going to continue to help out with this service project. While making (and completing the first blanket) I realized that as part of my healing that perhaps I should make one for my Chilion.

We have named our angel baby...

We have decided on a name for our angel baby. I had the very strong feeling that it was a boy and so his name is Chilion Jeremiah Fuller. Chilion means finished; complete; perfect which we thought was a great way to describe this baby that we will not see this side of heaven.

How to pronounce Chilion

A friend of mine who has also experienced the pain of miscarriage wrote to me that "I grieve for you, at the very thought of the nearness of your loss. But I know this: our little ones are in heaven. God has lovingly spared them the experience of a fallen world. They will never know the grief that you and I are experiencing now. No tear will fall, no trust will be betrayed, no love will be unrequited, no violence will ever befall them. No demonic spirit or unregenerate heart will turn their hearts against God. Their eternity in heaven cannot be altered."

I hadn't thought of it this way before. I honestly bristled when I first read this but then God helped me to see it through His eyes. While I will always miss him, I am grateful that he is in heaven with Jesus for eternity and that he won't experience all the pain and heartache of this world.

Perhaps now that we have named Chilion, we will be able to cry, grieve and move forward - always remembering him but not allowing our grief to overwhelm us or continue to be our identity.

Stalling...but God is still working

I had myself convinced that the reason I haven't really had any movement was because I didn't have books about miscarriage to help me heal and figure it out. However that theory was blown out of the water this week. I now have 2 books and I have been doing pretty much anything but reading the books. Hopefully this weekend when I have some kid free time, I can read and work through it.

What I must remember though is that I need to keep turning to God in all this, He is the one who will ultimately bring healing to my heart, soul, and my empty arms. He may use these books (Grieving the Child I never knew by Kathe Wunnenberg & Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt) to bring about that healing or he may bring about healing in another way. I am so grateful to have this place where I can just be honest with where I'm at even though it isn't all wrapped up nice and neat. I have also appreciated the encouragement and kind words through this blog and on Facebook. I am already starting to see God using my vulnerability and openness about this topic as well as our infertility to touch the lives of other women. Lord please bring healing in my heart and soul as well as in the hearts, souls, and minds of the women and men who are also struggling in miscarriage or infertility. May we all be honest in our feelings (whatever they may be) to you and those around us. Lord may you be enough in my life as well as in the lives of others. amen.

Bitterness and small break throughs

I was realizing the last few days, well really like last week that I haven't blogged in awhile - almost a month. I realized tonight that the reason why is because for the last month I have been in such a dark, difficult place so far from God and totally overwhelmed. I didn't even realize how far away I was until the last few days when God started poking through my walls. And He sure is persistent and so resourceful, it's like He created the universe or something! He used music, friends and sermons to talk to me about other areas in my life that need attention and ultimately to be turned over to Him.

I was at one of my best friend's BBQ yesterday and I was realizing that 7 weeks ago is when I had my D&C. I can't believe it has already been 7 WEEKS!! I feel like I haven't really made any progress in my grieving. Another friend made us a baby blanket and gave us a beautiful statue of a mother holding hands with 2 children. I ordered a baby bracelet today as a token of remembrance. We are still considering names for our baby that we will never meet this side of heaven. I have still not really cried in about 6 weeks. My tears are coming back though, I was able to cry during a testimony to the point where I thought ok this is it here comes the opening of the floodgates again, FINALLY! But then, as quickly as it begun, it finished.

I haven't really been bitter towards pregnant women overall. But I have been with my cousin and a friend from Living Stones. I realized as I was typing this that my friend was less than 6 weeks further along than I was and my cousin is due 3 weeks after I would have been. I had to apologize to my friend tonight because I realized that I was holding bitterness inside. I think that because our due dates were kinda close that it is just a hard reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. She was so sweet, understanding and gracious about it. I am grateful for a community that not only supports one another but also gives mercy and prayer to each other!

I didn't know just how many women were going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage in our community. I knew that it was happening but I had NO idea to what degree until I had my miscarriage. As I share my pain and experience with others, others open up with me. I know that God is going to do something in this community to bring healing and peace as well as support for those going through it, it's just a matter of His timing.

I was serving in the bookstore for both services tonight so during the 2nd service, I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour and just spent time with God in repentance, in total honesty and brokenness, casting my anxieties/cares and then just totally surrendering. Although it was really great and I'm so grateful, I feel like I'm still holding onto something (that I didn't turn over) because I still feel a slight weight on my soul. During my walk, I realized that I AM actually a little bitter at God. As previously mentioned in other posts, God had impressed upon me that He wanted me to be willing to have as many kids as He wanted to bless me with. What I don't understand is that since He knew that I was going to have a miscarriage, why did He ask that of me? Perhaps it was to deepen my reliance on Him and trust in Him. I don't know and I may never know. I feel like I'm in limbo on this right now. All I know is that He asked me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with. We are not using any birth control at all and do not plan to again ever. I have been praying that if it is not His will for us to have any more kids that He would make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are done (a need for a hysterectomy or something else drastic). Or maybe all of this is being used to show me that I'm still not trusting in Him or allowing Him to be all that I need. I just want peace and maybe even a little confirmation one way or another. Although despite what I want, I know that above all He is God, He is sovereign and He is to be praised even when there is "pain in the offering, blessed be Your name".

Stagnant or part of the process?

I feel like I have become stagnant in my healing because I can't cry. Not only can I not cry, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my chest (heart) and my mind. I don't have peace about it at all. I am a pretty emotional woman. I cry at commercials, when friends get engaged, friends get pregnant, movies and even cartoons. Why are only a few tears escaping my eyes? I feel all bottled up and that is not healthy. Lord please help me cry even if it is at an inopportune time!

I am going to get a baby bracelet from the bookstore at church as a token to remember/grieve for my lost baby (still to be named). I also asked a friend who makes baby blankets to make one for us. Another friend who has also gone through the heartache of miscarriage is going to lend me some books to help me with the grieving.

I was starting to plan out this school year (ie the number of weeks) to homeschool my preschoolish aged girls and I got to February 1st (my estimated due date) and I just stopped and felt like it was hard to breathe all of a sudden but no tears.

I had a picnic potluck with some other women bible studies this past Monday and I met someone who had just experienced her 2nd m/c. She was surprised to hear that although it has been less than a month that I am not angry at God for my m/c. She asked me how I got rid of my anger and I told her that I never was angry at God for my m/c. I don't think that lack of anger is common in women who have experienced this type of loss. When my mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago, I was VERY angry with God although I didn't believe in Him or follow Him yet. I was only able to let go of that anger within the last couple of years.

I've heard that every loss is different and now I truly know that to be true because my loss and grieving process have been very different for my mom and for my lost baby.

How many Kids do you have?

This is a seemingly innocuous question to most but to someone that has had a miscarriage, it is excruciating. I have been asked this a lot in the last month since my m/c and I'm never sure how to answer this: Do I say 2 for my girls Chloe and Caitlyn, Do I say 3 to include my child that I will never see this side of heaven, Do I say 2 and a miscarriage?? While I want to avoid making others uncomfortable, I still want to honor my child.

If/When we get pregnant again, medically it would be our 4th pregnancy and 3rd live birth (if the baby goes to term and is healthy and alive at delivery). So when people ask if it is my first do I just say it is my 4th or my 3rd?

So many things to consider, this is what goes through my head when I hear this question...

Simultaneously Opposite

today i'm simultaneously wanting to immerse myself in the grief and pain our loss so can work through it and heal yet I want to completely run away from it hide in bed all day doing nothing.

I feel like i have to be strong for my kids, putting on a happy face while we make breakfast and sing songs but inside I am hurting, I feel crushed and really low.

Today is one of those days that I wonder how in the world I am going to get through it in one piece. The answer is Jesus but honestly I don't want to reach out for Him right now, even though I know that His strength will get me through. Why is that? It is like not taking medicine that you KNOW will make you feel better.

I am really looking forward to Communion tonight and then a girls night with friends but I may not be able to go due to our car being broken. :-(