Medical Jargon lameness

MAY BE CONSIDERED MEDICALLY GRAPHIC TO SOME - USE DISCRETION: I was paying the bills recently for my D & C from June. I found out that they had test results concerning my miscarriage. I immediately requested the records only to discover upon receiving them that the medical community does not refer to a miscarriage as a miscarriage. On my test results it said missed abortion. It also refers to my baby Chilion, who had a soul and was as much an image bearer or God as anyone walking around on this Earth, as products of conception. Those cells were a part of his body that God was knitting together in my womb. I really wish that the medical community would reconsider how they deal with this topic of miscarriage as not just a medical occurrence that affects a woman physically but also as an emotional, mental and spiritual loss for the woman, her spouse/significant other and their friends and families. Or at the very least put it in a different category than abortions. Actually after seeing the below info online I think it was considered an incomplete abortion.
I just looked up missed abortion online and came across this info on https://www.google.com/health/ref/Miscarriage :
"A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)

A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.

Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:

• Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
• Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
• Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
• Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
• Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

While I do believe that every life/every pregnancy is a child with a soul even at the moment just after conception, I do not condemn those who have chosen to have abortions. That is not for me to do. God has definitely grown me in this area because I have had a hard time showing compassion for those who have had abortions especially since we have had problems with fertility as do many others. But God has shown me that it is a sin just like all sin that was paid for with the sacrifice of Jesus once and for all on the cross. There is no sin that is greater than another because ALL sin separates us from God. Only Jesus can blot out and cover over our sin.

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We have named our angel baby...

We have decided on a name for our angel baby. I had the very strong feeling that it was a boy and so his name is Chilion Jeremiah Fuller. Chilion means finished; complete; perfect which we thought was a great way to describe this baby that we will not see this side of heaven.

How to pronounce Chilion

A friend of mine who has also experienced the pain of miscarriage wrote to me that "I grieve for you, at the very thought of the nearness of your loss. But I know this: our little ones are in heaven. God has lovingly spared them the experience of a fallen world. They will never know the grief that you and I are experiencing now. No tear will fall, no trust will be betrayed, no love will be unrequited, no violence will ever befall them. No demonic spirit or unregenerate heart will turn their hearts against God. Their eternity in heaven cannot be altered."

I hadn't thought of it this way before. I honestly bristled when I first read this but then God helped me to see it through His eyes. While I will always miss him, I am grateful that he is in heaven with Jesus for eternity and that he won't experience all the pain and heartache of this world.

Perhaps now that we have named Chilion, we will be able to cry, grieve and move forward - always remembering him but not allowing our grief to overwhelm us or continue to be our identity.

Bitterness and small break throughs

I was realizing the last few days, well really like last week that I haven't blogged in awhile - almost a month. I realized tonight that the reason why is because for the last month I have been in such a dark, difficult place so far from God and totally overwhelmed. I didn't even realize how far away I was until the last few days when God started poking through my walls. And He sure is persistent and so resourceful, it's like He created the universe or something! He used music, friends and sermons to talk to me about other areas in my life that need attention and ultimately to be turned over to Him.

I was at one of my best friend's BBQ yesterday and I was realizing that 7 weeks ago is when I had my D&C. I can't believe it has already been 7 WEEKS!! I feel like I haven't really made any progress in my grieving. Another friend made us a baby blanket and gave us a beautiful statue of a mother holding hands with 2 children. I ordered a baby bracelet today as a token of remembrance. We are still considering names for our baby that we will never meet this side of heaven. I have still not really cried in about 6 weeks. My tears are coming back though, I was able to cry during a testimony to the point where I thought ok this is it here comes the opening of the floodgates again, FINALLY! But then, as quickly as it begun, it finished.

I haven't really been bitter towards pregnant women overall. But I have been with my cousin and a friend from Living Stones. I realized as I was typing this that my friend was less than 6 weeks further along than I was and my cousin is due 3 weeks after I would have been. I had to apologize to my friend tonight because I realized that I was holding bitterness inside. I think that because our due dates were kinda close that it is just a hard reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. She was so sweet, understanding and gracious about it. I am grateful for a community that not only supports one another but also gives mercy and prayer to each other!

I didn't know just how many women were going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage in our community. I knew that it was happening but I had NO idea to what degree until I had my miscarriage. As I share my pain and experience with others, others open up with me. I know that God is going to do something in this community to bring healing and peace as well as support for those going through it, it's just a matter of His timing.

I was serving in the bookstore for both services tonight so during the 2nd service, I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour and just spent time with God in repentance, in total honesty and brokenness, casting my anxieties/cares and then just totally surrendering. Although it was really great and I'm so grateful, I feel like I'm still holding onto something (that I didn't turn over) because I still feel a slight weight on my soul. During my walk, I realized that I AM actually a little bitter at God. As previously mentioned in other posts, God had impressed upon me that He wanted me to be willing to have as many kids as He wanted to bless me with. What I don't understand is that since He knew that I was going to have a miscarriage, why did He ask that of me? Perhaps it was to deepen my reliance on Him and trust in Him. I don't know and I may never know. I feel like I'm in limbo on this right now. All I know is that He asked me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with. We are not using any birth control at all and do not plan to again ever. I have been praying that if it is not His will for us to have any more kids that He would make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are done (a need for a hysterectomy or something else drastic). Or maybe all of this is being used to show me that I'm still not trusting in Him or allowing Him to be all that I need. I just want peace and maybe even a little confirmation one way or another. Although despite what I want, I know that above all He is God, He is sovereign and He is to be praised even when there is "pain in the offering, blessed be Your name".