Medical Jargon lameness

MAY BE CONSIDERED MEDICALLY GRAPHIC TO SOME - USE DISCRETION: I was paying the bills recently for my D & C from June. I found out that they had test results concerning my miscarriage. I immediately requested the records only to discover upon receiving them that the medical community does not refer to a miscarriage as a miscarriage. On my test results it said missed abortion. It also refers to my baby Chilion, who had a soul and was as much an image bearer or God as anyone walking around on this Earth, as products of conception. Those cells were a part of his body that God was knitting together in my womb. I really wish that the medical community would reconsider how they deal with this topic of miscarriage as not just a medical occurrence that affects a woman physically but also as an emotional, mental and spiritual loss for the woman, her spouse/significant other and their friends and families. Or at the very least put it in a different category than abortions. Actually after seeing the below info online I think it was considered an incomplete abortion.
I just looked up missed abortion online and came across this info on https://www.google.com/health/ref/Miscarriage :
"A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)

A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.

Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:

• Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
• Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
• Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
• Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
• Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

While I do believe that every life/every pregnancy is a child with a soul even at the moment just after conception, I do not condemn those who have chosen to have abortions. That is not for me to do. God has definitely grown me in this area because I have had a hard time showing compassion for those who have had abortions especially since we have had problems with fertility as do many others. But God has shown me that it is a sin just like all sin that was paid for with the sacrifice of Jesus once and for all on the cross. There is no sin that is greater than another because ALL sin separates us from God. Only Jesus can blot out and cover over our sin.

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Walls

I feel like there are walls starting to be built these last few days. Around my heart, around my mind, around my tears. I want to grieve, I want to cry, I want to remember. I just feel like so much of the time I keep telling myself, not now I have responsibilities, not now it isn't the right time/place, not now I'm not strong enough.

I feel like there are invisible walls between me and my husband, my kids, my friends & family. I so desperately want them to come in but I also understand that they don't know what to say. It's okay to say just that you don't know what to say or even just I'm sorry. I want to say it is okay for me to not be okay. It is okay for me to cry, it is healing and such a release of emotion that it is healthy. Talking about my lost baby is fine, it does help. I understand that it is hard to mourn and grieve for someone who you have no memories with, no face to linger in your mind...it's hard for me too! Although I never saw this baby, he/she was a life, they are forever a piece of our history, although a much smaller piece than we would have liked.

Lord please remove these walls within, in your timing so that I may feel and grieve yet not be overwhelmed with the emotions. Please provide opportunites and moments that are "safe" to let myself cry. Please remove the walls (invisible or not) between others and myself. Thank you for the support and love of my friends during this time. In your name, Amen.

Miscarriage/ D&C

WARNING:THIS POST INCLUDES DETAILED MEDICAL INFORMATION THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED GRAPHIC TO SOME.

Monday, June 15th I started having spotting and some light spotting. I called the dr and the nurse called me right back and sent me in to get an hcg level. It had dipped down to 12000 which was clearly the wrong way. The day before my ultrasound, I started passing blood clots. Small ones but I still knew it wasn’t good. I was pretty sure that it was over. I called the dr and they said to keep my ultrasound appointment and if I soaked more than 1 pad in an hour to go to the ER. The next day June 18, 2009 at my follow up ultrasound, not only was there still not an embryo but the yolk sac had gone away. The gestational sac was still there but was only measuring 6w and some odd days rather than measuring 7wks 3 days as it should have been. That was it, it was confirmed that the pregnancy would not continue. We talked to the nurse (the dr was post call and wasn’t there) and she said that they wanted to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally because they didn’t want to do a D&C if they could avoid it as it is a surgical procedure. She told me to go in for yet another hcg level that Saturday to make sure that it was decreasing and then if I hadn’t had a large amount of bleeding by Monday to call and then get another hcg on Monday. My level that Saturday was 2000 so it was definitely going down. While I was waiting at the lab, I ended up getting into a conversation with a guy who was a Christian. I didn’t tell him that I was in the process of a miscarriage only that I was going through a very hard time. As we were both getting ready to leave he said that God told him to pray for me and also that God loved me unconditionally and has a plan for what I’m going through. Wow, Thank you Jesus for that encouragement!
Later that day, I went to a friend’s daughters 1 year birthday party. I did fine being around all the pregnant women (I think there were 5 or 6) until someone suggested that a picture be taken of all the baby bumps. That hurt so I found a corner, let myself cry for a minute and then turned my focus back on the celebration. I was having fun just talking and watching my little girls “serve” food to other people – they have such giving and thoughtful hearts. I had some mild cramping which started to increase in intensity so I asked the host for some Tylenol. About an hour later (during gifts being opened), my pain had greatly increased to the point where I needed to at least sit if not lay down. I asked someone to watch my kids so I could lay down. I was trying to lay down without letting the majority of people (who didn’t know I was pregnant much less miscarrying) know what was going on because I didn’t want to take the focus off of the birthday girl. I was grateful that some people knew what was going on, so I could talk to them about it. I went to the bathroom and I had started bleeding heavily. It came on so suddenly that I didn’t have an extra pad with me, and the women I asked didn’t have one either. After another trip to the bathroom with the same result, the pain became so bad that I was doubled over in pain, white and clammy– still trying not to let the majority of people know what was going on. My friend Sara asked if I wanted her to call my husband to come pick me up but we only have one car and I was driving it. She offered to drive me and the kids home in my car. I thought that I could make it myself and I was trying not to be a burden. I started to get my stuff together when the pain became even worse. I found my friend Alicia and just lay down with my head on her lap, she stroked my hair as a comfort to me. I asked her if she would be willing to drive me and the girls home because the pain had gotten a lot worse. It is easier for me to ask for help with people I know well. Sara, Alicia and some other friends helped to gather my stuff and the kids and helped us to the car. She drove us home while I called Robert to let him know what was going on. Alicia went and bought me some Thermacare heat pads to help with the severe cramping. I laid down immediately, the pain continued to get even worse and started to feel like labor pains/contractions. At about 330p I called the on call nurse and told her what was going on, the pain was starting to be so bad I was crying. She told me to get to the ER. We didn’t really want to go because we were sure that we would have a very long wait and then they would just tell me that I was having a miscarriage (which we already knew) and to go home to allow it to happen. Plus the girls were napping and we didn’t want to take them with us since we didn’t know how long we would be gone. I started calling friends to come over to watch the girls but being a Saturday many people were away from their phones or traveling. I really wished that family lived closer so that I could call them. At this point, I told Robert that I could just drive myself and he said absolutely not, you are having trouble walking from our bed to the bathroom, you are in no shape to drive and you are not going by yourself! It took me 14 calls (it was a Saturday during wedding season!) but then I found a friend who had watched the girls recently which I thought was extra good because it was already going to be weird for the girls to wake up and not have mommy and daddy home.

We went to the ER and was convinced that we would be there for hours before we were even seen. Luckily it wasn't that busy and they were able to get me in within 15 minutes. I had my blood drawn so they could test my Hcg levels again. Then they took me right back to be seen. A doctor examined me and saw that there was blood clots and tissue stuck on/right near my cervix which is what was causing me so much pain. She tried to remove it (without pain meds-ARGH) but my cervix was too tender. She called the dr on call. While we were waiting, the nurse tried to put an iv in. she either really missed or my vein was too difficult to get, but it HURT. She ended up putting a children's iv line into my hand. But then she gave me pain meds so then it didn't hurt as much. The dr. came in and didn't examine me but told me that she was going to do a d&c and that I would need to stay overnight for observation. Here is a link for more info about a D&C http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html They had me fill out the paperwork and then they pretty much took me to surgery. The anesthesiologist was trying to figure out which way to sedate me and was uncomfortable with the fact that I had eaten 24 skittles less than 4 hours prior. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. Robert went home to take care of the kids and to bring them and some stuff for me back to the hospital. I left the following morning and went straight to church as it was Sunday morning.

Throughout the 5 weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I sent out email updates (going to post0to ask for prayer and support. I would have had a MUCH more difficult time going through those 5 weeks, and so far the 2 weeks and 4 days since finding out I was going to have a miscarriage, without the support and prayer of my Living Stones community and family. I have definitely been learning that it is ok to not be ok and I don’t have to have it all together.

Introduction

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
I’ve decided to blog about my journey through the mourning of our loss of our baby. I have always found that writing has helped me work through things and it also helps me to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come especially when I get discouraged or feel like the pain will never end. Why am I making it public and not just a private journal? I’ve found when I have tried to work through pain or even grief completely by myself without talking to others or letting others know where I am at, I begin to isolate and turn inward. I also fully trust that God will use this pain and heartache to help others who have been through loss and pain and haven’t ever really addressed it, are in the process of addressing it or are at the beginning of the pain or loss not quite sure which way is up. WARNING: At times it may be very raw, wordy and even may include TMI (too much information). This is my place to be completely open and honest. This is also why I decided to make this a separate blog so that if family and friends chose not to read about all of this that they wouldn’t be forced to just to see our other family updates.