Seeking understanding but finding little to none

NOTE: THERE IS SPECIFIC TALK ABOUT MY PERIOD IN POST, continue on at own discretion.

I am so confused about what God is doing in my life right now. I know that there is so much that I don't know, that He does, because He is sovereign over all including my little speck of life. I take comfort in what God revealed to me as the reason that I found out I was pregnant with Chilion at only 2 weeks when God knew that I would miscarry at 7 weeks; to increase my dependence on Him.

I am just hurting right now because although I do trust His heart I just cannot make any sense of His timing in my life..or rather what feels like His lack of timing. I know that I have no right to know anything about my life and what God will do in it but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know. I also know that His timing is perfect but I feel like it is imperfect right now. I just don't understand why He would ask me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless me with and then...nothing. Well really not nothing because I was pregnant but then miscarried. There have been at least 2-3 times since then that I have thought that I was pregnant only to find out that I was not.

The most recent was this past week because I have had tender and sore breasts (which is common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy) as well as some pain in my right side which is also common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy although usually more so in early pregnancy. I have been VERY tired/fatigued and have HAD to have KFC buffalo wing snackers at least 5 times in the last two or three weeks. My period cycles have changed since the miscarriage to be 34-35 day cycles. And since I was late on my period, I was getting very hopeful but then I took a hpt (home pregnancy test) last sunday (Oct. 4th) but it was negative. I was still hopeful and so I called my dr to get a blood test ordered but then that also came back negative. As I was on the phone with the nurse I asked what the hcg level was on that test thinking that maybe it hadn't been long enough yet but it was only 2. The hcg levels have to be at least 25 to be positive.
Usually after I take a hpt or a blood test and it is negative, I usually get my period the next day or at most 2 days later. It is now Oct. 12th and no period, I still have sore breasts, pain in my side, and exhaustion. What the heck is going on?!? I have an appointment with my Dr in 2 weeks but that feels like forever away.

I found out today that someone is pregnant and it was very thoughtful of her to tell me before it became common knowledge. I am very happy for them yet I have been crying a lot since then. I don't know why but I felt a nudge inside saying that I should take a pregnancy test this afternoon which made NO sense to me whatsoever but wanting to be obedient to the Spirit, I did it. It was of course negative but it confused me even more. Was it a test of my faith? of my obedience even when I don't understand? was it Satan disguising himself as the Holy Spirit - - is that even possible??

There is apparently something in the water yet again resulting in lots of pregnant women in Reno/Sparks but it must be in a different water supply than the one I'm drinking. I'm not bitter towards all of the expecting women that I know. I do feel like I'm starting to get bitter towards God because I don't understand why I'm not getting pregnant. We have been officially trying since January and unofficially since about last July. I try not to think about it but it is on my mind all day every day no matter what I do to prevent the obsession. I know that I will only get pregnant if it is God's Will and only in His timing. I am trying so hard to be satisfied with the children that I have and not desire any more but it is incredibly hard. I haven't had any indication from God that our family is complete. Also, why would God ask me to be willing to have more kids if He knew He wasn't going to bless me with more kids...He is a good God not cruel. God knows me better than anyone because He created me and because of that He knows my mind and heart as well as my body. Yet knowing that, why does He allow me to think that I'm pregnant even when I'm not. I don't want this to be the focus of my life or my thoughts but I don't know how to change it. For example, I am in a friends wedding next year and I am not sure whether to plan for the possibility of being pregnant by proactively asking tonight while trying on dresses whether the style comes in maternity, whether to hold off ordering till it gets closer, or whether to not even consider it as a possibility and deal with it if it happens. We also still have most of the girls clothes and other baby gear because we are planning on having more kids but should we just start getting rid of it and take it off the table as a possibility by taking permanent measures of either a hysterectomy or a vasectomy? My heart and my emotions just feel so hurt and broken each month and I don't know how much more disappointment/frustration in this area that I can take. It just hurts so much. I have been trying to trust it to God and perhaps I am too much of a control freak to truly give the trust of my whole life over to God.

Through all this, Satan has certainly been having a field day with me and although I KNOW that they are lies it doesn't stop them from hurting me. Some of the lies I have been hearing from Satan,

you are not pregnant because....

• you are a bad mom and don't even deserve the kids you have
• you can't handle having more kids
• you can't even handle Chloe and Caitlyn
• God is not good and He doesn't want to bless you
• God is mad at you and is punishing you
• the other women who are pregnant are better than you
  
• you are not good enough
• the other women who are pregnant are closer to God and He loves them more
• you are too overweight

Again I KNOW that these are lies and that Satan loves to distort the truth and do/say anything to cause me to doubt God, and there are days that it works.

I think that I am having a harder time with all of this as I get older because my mom had a hysterectomy for fibroid tumors when she was 37 and my older half sister had a hysterectomy when she was only 33 due to cysts (she also had PCOS just like me). I just turned 30 and I have felt that I have a window that is quickly closing due to the family history. I know that I am not my mom or my older half sister and that just because they both had a hysterectomy doesn't mean that I will but it does increase the chances.

Lord, please help me to trust in you, your plan, your timing. Lord please show me how to focus on you and put little to no importance on this desire that is so deep in my heart and soul to have more children. May I be satisfied completely in you and be grateful for the blessings you have given me rather than being bitter about the blessings that I want but have not received. You are sovereign and I know that I have no right to ask you for any blessings. My only right is to go to hell for all my sin but you gave your son to pay for my sin so that I don't have to go to hell. Please show me why that isn't enough for me and why I desire and even think I deserve anything more than that. Thank you for the tears that have finally been released. Lord if it is your will, please bring peace to my heart, mind, and soul. Amen.