Seeking understanding but finding little to none

NOTE: THERE IS SPECIFIC TALK ABOUT MY PERIOD IN POST, continue on at own discretion.

I am so confused about what God is doing in my life right now. I know that there is so much that I don't know, that He does, because He is sovereign over all including my little speck of life. I take comfort in what God revealed to me as the reason that I found out I was pregnant with Chilion at only 2 weeks when God knew that I would miscarry at 7 weeks; to increase my dependence on Him.

I am just hurting right now because although I do trust His heart I just cannot make any sense of His timing in my life..or rather what feels like His lack of timing. I know that I have no right to know anything about my life and what God will do in it but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know. I also know that His timing is perfect but I feel like it is imperfect right now. I just don't understand why He would ask me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless me with and then...nothing. Well really not nothing because I was pregnant but then miscarried. There have been at least 2-3 times since then that I have thought that I was pregnant only to find out that I was not.

The most recent was this past week because I have had tender and sore breasts (which is common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy) as well as some pain in my right side which is also common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy although usually more so in early pregnancy. I have been VERY tired/fatigued and have HAD to have KFC buffalo wing snackers at least 5 times in the last two or three weeks. My period cycles have changed since the miscarriage to be 34-35 day cycles. And since I was late on my period, I was getting very hopeful but then I took a hpt (home pregnancy test) last sunday (Oct. 4th) but it was negative. I was still hopeful and so I called my dr to get a blood test ordered but then that also came back negative. As I was on the phone with the nurse I asked what the hcg level was on that test thinking that maybe it hadn't been long enough yet but it was only 2. The hcg levels have to be at least 25 to be positive.
Usually after I take a hpt or a blood test and it is negative, I usually get my period the next day or at most 2 days later. It is now Oct. 12th and no period, I still have sore breasts, pain in my side, and exhaustion. What the heck is going on?!? I have an appointment with my Dr in 2 weeks but that feels like forever away.

I found out today that someone is pregnant and it was very thoughtful of her to tell me before it became common knowledge. I am very happy for them yet I have been crying a lot since then. I don't know why but I felt a nudge inside saying that I should take a pregnancy test this afternoon which made NO sense to me whatsoever but wanting to be obedient to the Spirit, I did it. It was of course negative but it confused me even more. Was it a test of my faith? of my obedience even when I don't understand? was it Satan disguising himself as the Holy Spirit - - is that even possible??

There is apparently something in the water yet again resulting in lots of pregnant women in Reno/Sparks but it must be in a different water supply than the one I'm drinking. I'm not bitter towards all of the expecting women that I know. I do feel like I'm starting to get bitter towards God because I don't understand why I'm not getting pregnant. We have been officially trying since January and unofficially since about last July. I try not to think about it but it is on my mind all day every day no matter what I do to prevent the obsession. I know that I will only get pregnant if it is God's Will and only in His timing. I am trying so hard to be satisfied with the children that I have and not desire any more but it is incredibly hard. I haven't had any indication from God that our family is complete. Also, why would God ask me to be willing to have more kids if He knew He wasn't going to bless me with more kids...He is a good God not cruel. God knows me better than anyone because He created me and because of that He knows my mind and heart as well as my body. Yet knowing that, why does He allow me to think that I'm pregnant even when I'm not. I don't want this to be the focus of my life or my thoughts but I don't know how to change it. For example, I am in a friends wedding next year and I am not sure whether to plan for the possibility of being pregnant by proactively asking tonight while trying on dresses whether the style comes in maternity, whether to hold off ordering till it gets closer, or whether to not even consider it as a possibility and deal with it if it happens. We also still have most of the girls clothes and other baby gear because we are planning on having more kids but should we just start getting rid of it and take it off the table as a possibility by taking permanent measures of either a hysterectomy or a vasectomy? My heart and my emotions just feel so hurt and broken each month and I don't know how much more disappointment/frustration in this area that I can take. It just hurts so much. I have been trying to trust it to God and perhaps I am too much of a control freak to truly give the trust of my whole life over to God.

Through all this, Satan has certainly been having a field day with me and although I KNOW that they are lies it doesn't stop them from hurting me. Some of the lies I have been hearing from Satan,

you are not pregnant because....

• you are a bad mom and don't even deserve the kids you have
• you can't handle having more kids
• you can't even handle Chloe and Caitlyn
• God is not good and He doesn't want to bless you
• God is mad at you and is punishing you
• the other women who are pregnant are better than you
  
• you are not good enough
• the other women who are pregnant are closer to God and He loves them more
• you are too overweight

Again I KNOW that these are lies and that Satan loves to distort the truth and do/say anything to cause me to doubt God, and there are days that it works.

I think that I am having a harder time with all of this as I get older because my mom had a hysterectomy for fibroid tumors when she was 37 and my older half sister had a hysterectomy when she was only 33 due to cysts (she also had PCOS just like me). I just turned 30 and I have felt that I have a window that is quickly closing due to the family history. I know that I am not my mom or my older half sister and that just because they both had a hysterectomy doesn't mean that I will but it does increase the chances.

Lord, please help me to trust in you, your plan, your timing. Lord please show me how to focus on you and put little to no importance on this desire that is so deep in my heart and soul to have more children. May I be satisfied completely in you and be grateful for the blessings you have given me rather than being bitter about the blessings that I want but have not received. You are sovereign and I know that I have no right to ask you for any blessings. My only right is to go to hell for all my sin but you gave your son to pay for my sin so that I don't have to go to hell. Please show me why that isn't enough for me and why I desire and even think I deserve anything more than that. Thank you for the tears that have finally been released. Lord if it is your will, please bring peace to my heart, mind, and soul. Amen.

Confusing Release

I have frequently mentioned that I have had a hard time crying over the loss of our baby Chilion. Well tonight I was able to release some well needed and cleansing tears.

I was at Winco getting some fruit and some chicken (that just looked too good not to get) for small group dinner. My eyes turned to the magazine racks and I saw, Patrick Swayze's final days. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. I even said out loud to the people ahead of me in line, Patrick Swayze is dead??

I was in total shock and started feeling overwhelming emotion, specifically sadness, come over me. I had just barely made it out of the store when the tears started, slowly at first but by the time I was behind the driver's seat they were rushing out.

I was very confused about my reaction to the news of his death because I didn't know him. I liked his movies and I had watched several with my mom but beyond that I had no connection to him. I didn't understand why I was crying over this actor that I had never met but was not able to shed the tears for Chilion even though I knew I desperately needed to release those tears.

I called my husband to tell him what was going on with me and ask him to pray for me. I was crying so much I could hardly see through my tears (which is not so great if driving). I don't remember what he said but I think he said that he thought it could be normal. After we ended our call, I immediately called my friend Beth who used to be a counselor and asked her while crying my eyes out - those chest heaving sobs that take my breath away. She said it IS normal because sometimes in our grief we get so focused on the object of our grief (for me the loss of Chilion) that our emotions get locked up and are not able to release. Then later a seemingly innocuous thing happens (for me the death of Patrick Swayze), and we find ourselves reacting because it gives us an outlet for our grief.

I cried with her on the phone all the way to my friend's house to pick her up for bible study. Then as I was exiting the freeway I said to Beth of course this is happening now as I go to this new bible study where I'm just starting to get to know these women (who sidenote are amazing). Right then my tears stopped, why do I still care so much about how I'm perceived by others? I have always been vulnerable with others, putting myself out there. So why am I having such difficulty with letting other people seeing me cry?

Well I do feel a little lighter having had that slight release. Beth warned me that this may happen more often and that it is okay and totally normal. I am learning that just as everyone goes through grief differently, it is also possible for each loss/grief process to be different. After my mom died, even seeing the old Apple logo would make me cry (she worked at Apple for most of my life) but the triggers were all understandable. With this loss of Chilion, the things I expect to make me cry don't and the things I don't expect do.

Lord please help me to let go of any control I am trying to have over my grief process and please allow it to come naturally even when it feels like the timing is inconvenient. Father God please give me discernment about when and how to share, not only this grief but all areas of my life, and with whom. Please continue to show me your purposes in all of this pain, hurt and struggle. May I suffer well and grow closer to you in my suffering and not allow this to pull me from you or others. In your name, Amen.

Ah bitterness, I thought you were gone

Disclaimer (specifically to family) First let me say that I do not think my feelings were right but they are still my feelings and since I said I would be open and honest this is part of it. I thought that I had turned a corner in this area, that I would no longer be bitter about the happy pregnancies of those around me. Well on 9/5 I received an email from my aunt and uncle about the pregnancy of my cousin. They had just found out that she is having a boy and due possibly on Valentines Day. I was irritated with my aunt and uncle for not being sensitive to the fact that I had just had a miscarriage and that I was due Feb. 1st. I sent them an email saying, "Please do not keep me updated with this pregnancy. It is way too hard on me since my miscarriage and D & C on 6/20. My baby was due on February 1st. I'm not trying to be rude I just can't hear about this right now. Thank you in advance for understanding."

I was feeling angry and bitter more at the situation than at my cousin and her parents (my aunt and uncle). Why did her pregnancy get to continue? Why not mine? God, why are you allowing my cousin to have her 3rd baby due just 2 weeks after my 3rd was due?

I had (several weeks ago) hid her status updates from my newsfeed on facebook because it was too hard to see all the pregnancy updates especially when I saw that she was complaining about the morning sickness and the other stuff that comes with pregnancy. I am the first to admit that this was not fair of me because I know that I have also complained about my pregnancy symptoms rather than be grateful that I was having symptoms and that it was ultimately a joyous thing that meant life was being knitted together within me. I wonder if this experience will change the way I view future pregnancies (if it is God's will for us to have more) or whether I will also fall back into complaining about the stuff that comes from pregnancy.

I looked on her page and saw that the name that they are considering for their son is Cullen which sounds very similar to Chilion. I found myself getting very irritated but then I realized a few things, (1)We have both been naming our children with names that start with C (2). I don't think she knew that Chilion was the name that we chose for our baby especially since we only posted it on this blog.

Later that afternoon, I walked up the stairs and looked up at our children picture wall. I noticed that Caitlyn's 1st year frame is still empty although she will be 2 in November. I then had the realization that we will never have pictures of Chilion to put in any frame. Well I do have the 2 ultrasound pictures but we will never see his hair or eye color, his little fingers or toes or anything else. We won't even see his personality. We will know nothing more of him this side of heaven and that saddens me. However I need to remember that I will see him again in heaven someday and that our time on this Earth is simply a blip in relation to eternity.

Although I know that God has authority over ALL things and that He is good and loving, I don't like the way He is achieving His purposes through my miscarriage. Wow, I didn't realize that I felt that way until hearing Harvey's sermon this morning, Why does God allow suffering? Which in reality, my not liking the way way God is involved in the details of my life is very arrogant of me because who am I to question God's ways? I believe that He understands that we have questions because our human minds cannot wrap themselves around so many things that are the ways of God. Yet it was humbling to hear Harvey say that God doesn't owe me an answer. Yes, he was talking to the whole congregation but God used that truth to pierce through the walls that I have built and pierced straight into my heart. Wow. Perhaps one of the purposes that He is accomplishing through all this is to make me more aware of His power, strength, sovereignty and other character traits. Perhaps it is so my wrestlings can draw others closer to God even in the midst of their struggles. Perhaps it is even to take me off the throne and rightfully put God back in that place of honor. I don't know and I may never know but I do know that God is good and loving and that His heart breaks for me during this time even though He can already see how this situation and everything else in my life will turn out.

Harvey also said earlier today that "God through suffering brings healing and redemption." I have found this to be true even today. During the sermon, there was a specific part where God put someone strongly on my heart and kept them there for the rest of the service. I went up to them afterwards and took the time to pull them aside, talk to them and pray with them. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit within me and fully in that moment. I still do not remember what I said or what words I prayed. We were both crying and Lord I thank you for that moment and that reminder that you are TRULY in all the details and that you put people in our paths so that we remember that we are not alone in our journey and that you will always give us what we need when we need it. It is truly amazing to me how you have so masterfully woven the lives (whether for a season or for longer) of your children together. I have found this to especially be true in the Living Stones community. There is a scripture in the bible where it talks about how God ordained the time and boundaries within we should live. I have definitely found this to be so true and I am grateful for the friends and acquaintances that God has placed in my path at just the right time.

They call it a process for a reason

My husband suggested last night that I may be trying to control my grief to happen on my terms rather than allowing it to happen naturally. He also said that he thought that this could be why I haven't been able to grieve, why I've been feeling emotionally blocked. At first I just blew off his comment but then as I was thinking about it, I realized it was possible that he was right. I HAVE been trying to "get er' done" wanting to work through it so that I could move on (never forgetting but not staying in the fog). I have tried to control when the tears can come, who they come out around, my emotions as a whole. But really not realizing that it is all out of my control. IT should have been evident that it was out of my control when the lashing out at my husband and friends begun or even when they gently brought it up out of concern for me. But nope, I was determined to control my grief process and timing.

It wasn't until later after recovery group that I realized that Step One totally applied here in the details of my life. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. My need to control my grief had not only become the latest manifestation of my addiction to control but also has become compulsive in that I don't know how NOT to try to control. They call it a grief process for a reason. It takes time, it doesn't happen all at once, no matter how much we want it to be that way.

I also need to trust God's truth, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

It doesn't say, in my timing. It doesn't say the way I think it should go. It doesn't give a time table or even a time limit for when all things will work together for good.

Lord I surrender my desire to control my grief (and other areas of my life and the lives of others). I trust that your way is the best way and that healing will come. May I continue to trust your heart and your character even when I have no clue what you are doing or what purposes you will accomplish. In your name, Amen.

Medical Jargon lameness

MAY BE CONSIDERED MEDICALLY GRAPHIC TO SOME - USE DISCRETION: I was paying the bills recently for my D & C from June. I found out that they had test results concerning my miscarriage. I immediately requested the records only to discover upon receiving them that the medical community does not refer to a miscarriage as a miscarriage. On my test results it said missed abortion. It also refers to my baby Chilion, who had a soul and was as much an image bearer or God as anyone walking around on this Earth, as products of conception. Those cells were a part of his body that God was knitting together in my womb. I really wish that the medical community would reconsider how they deal with this topic of miscarriage as not just a medical occurrence that affects a woman physically but also as an emotional, mental and spiritual loss for the woman, her spouse/significant other and their friends and families. Or at the very least put it in a different category than abortions. Actually after seeing the below info online I think it was considered an incomplete abortion.
I just looked up missed abortion online and came across this info on https://www.google.com/health/ref/Miscarriage :
"A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)

A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.

Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:

• Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
• Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
• Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
• Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
• Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

While I do believe that every life/every pregnancy is a child with a soul even at the moment just after conception, I do not condemn those who have chosen to have abortions. That is not for me to do. God has definitely grown me in this area because I have had a hard time showing compassion for those who have had abortions especially since we have had problems with fertility as do many others. But God has shown me that it is a sin just like all sin that was paid for with the sacrifice of Jesus once and for all on the cross. There is no sin that is greater than another because ALL sin separates us from God. Only Jesus can blot out and cover over our sin.

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Waiting...***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS for those healing from the pain of miscarriage

I received the white baby bracelet last week and have been reading the books on miscarriage that I have. I was so hoping it would help crack open this unintentional wall I have up around my heart. I really need the release to cry it out. I know that if crying wasn't necessary to my grief process that I would have peace about not being able to cry. My tears have come back to a point but only to cry for others not myself. I just thought maybe I should try to look at it from the perspective of Robert or my kids or another family member to see if I am able to start crying out of empathy for their pain. I want to experience healing in this (as well as other) issue. I have tried praying, asking others to pray, reading books, reading movies, snuggling with the blanket Stephanie made for Chilion, writing but still no tears more than the feeling of tears starting to come behind my eyes. It feels like until I cry that I will not be able to experience the healing that I want. Also since we aren't using any form of birth control ever again, we know that it is always a possibility that we will conceive. A recovery group is starting up at my church and I am very fortunate to be one of the first group to go through it. I am hoping that this will be a catalyst to bring about healing in my soul. I fully believe that God will use this situation (as He has used many other situations in my life) to comfort others or even just help them see that they are not alone in their struggle. It is always my hope that by being honest that it will give someone else the courage to be honest as well so they don't have to struggle alone. As God is working in me (as I let Him), I am able to be more vulnerable and more okay with not being okay. I don't need the answers to all of the whys. I still think I need some of those answers but just because I think I need them doesn't mean (1) I actually need them (2) I will ever receive them.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I think that I may be pregnant again. I have been having some symptoms and I am late. I have also begun having cravings, I don't know why but usually when I am pregnant I get cravings as early as 4 or 5 weeks. Sometimes it happens when it is that time of the month. I have been craving mayonnaise and cheese sandwiches which isn't weird for me but every day? Also my husband made me and the girls a pb&banana sandwich and I thought ooh a sweet pickle would be great on that, I ate it and dang it was so good, I had another one! On top of the other symptoms and cravings, I have been VERY dizzy - nearly blacking out multiple times this week. So I went to my PCP (primary care physician) and she sent me for blood work to test my thyroid as well as HCG to see what (if anything) it shows. It has been 26 1/2 hours since my blood work. I have been trying so hard not to think about it but without much luck. The only thing that has helped me take my mind off of it is reading a fiction book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Yesterday the tech at Lab Corp (a wonderful amazing Godly woman who I've seen a lot of over the last year) said that my dr should have the results by tomorrow afternoon (Friday). At 130pm I called to see if they had my results yet but the only HCG result they had was from May earlier this year when I was pregnant. They suggested I call back at 430pm and I asked if they saw the results sooner to please give me a call.

I have mixed feelings about it because we truly want to be pregnant again but at the same time the fears and anxiety are overwhelming. Some of the questions whirling around in my mind:

If I am pregnant...:

• Will this pregnancy progress longer than 7 weeks?
• Will I leave the hospital next year with a healthy baby?
• Should I tell anyone (in addition to Robert) right now or wait until I can't physically hide it?
• Should we tell our kids this time?
• Will we go through the pain of a miscarriage again?
• will there be any issues with the baby?
• how will I/we handle the news?
  
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?
• will I finally be able grieve the loss of our son Chilion?
• will Robert?

If I am not pregnant...:

• Why is my body lying to me?
• is God still enough?
• will I ever become pregnant?
• was Caitlyn the last healthy child I will ever have?
• how will I/we handle the news?
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?

Honestly I wasn't sure I should blog about this waiting because if I am pregnant I'm not sure I want that public yet. However, I need to get this stuff out of my head otherwise these worries, anxieties and other things will continue to swirl around my head. I know that is not what God wants for me.

What I do know is what He says in His word about our anxieties, burdens, and needs:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)

The Greek word for 'cast’ means to throw it away. Throw your pain, your disappointment, your broken dreams, your heart ache on to the Lord for he cares for you. ~Matthew McDonald

As Dr. Michael A Smith says on his blog about Psalm 55:22: "As believers we always want the Lord to detach the burden from our shoulders and give us relief. We want him to take the burden from off us and let us go free, but that is not the promise of this verse. God does not detach the burden from us. He sustains us in bearing the burden. God wants you and your burden. God wants to carry you and your burden."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29 (ESV)

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31 (ESV)

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)

EDIT 10:35pm: I called the dr. office at 4:15pm today but they still had not received my test results. The nurse said that she would have someone pull up the information on the labcorp website. Another nurse or receptionist called me back with the results about 20 min later. She said that my TSH was normal and that all my labs looked great and then she said and of course your pregnancy test is negative. I was thinking, "of course? why of course?" But since I was a little shocked at the way she told me I just said thank you and hung up. The mind is a funny thing, it just started doing somersaults and bringing forth questions such as "well why of course? does she know something I don't? Will I ever get pregnant again?" I then went to a meeting at the church and mentioned that I thought I was pregnant but am not and my friend said it will happen. I smiled and said goodnight. In the car, I thought, "but what if it doesn't? what it is not God's plan for me to have more kids? Is God enough for me or is He only enough for me if He allows me to become pregnant and have healthy kids? Will I be like Job or like his wife who said curse God and die? " I want to be like Job and to have a faith that is so incredibly solid that it can't be moved. But honestly I don't want to have trials in my life to develop that kind of perseverance and steadfastness. I want the fruit just not the pruning. Deep down I do want the pruning because there have been weeds in my life, heart, and soul that have been choking out the only One who is worthy of my praise, Jesus. I know that it is going to get hard and uncomfortable and I say bring it on although with a little trepidation because there is a part of me that is scared that I will stay in that hard and uncomfortable place forever. I have spent most of my life trying to find the shortcut around this out of my fear. However, I know deep in my soul that as long as I focus on Jesus and keep my eyes on Him that He will walk me through the muck and to the other side (freedom from bondage).