Ah bitterness, I thought you were gone

Disclaimer (specifically to family) First let me say that I do not think my feelings were right but they are still my feelings and since I said I would be open and honest this is part of it. I thought that I had turned a corner in this area, that I would no longer be bitter about the happy pregnancies of those around me. Well on 9/5 I received an email from my aunt and uncle about the pregnancy of my cousin. They had just found out that she is having a boy and due possibly on Valentines Day. I was irritated with my aunt and uncle for not being sensitive to the fact that I had just had a miscarriage and that I was due Feb. 1st. I sent them an email saying, "Please do not keep me updated with this pregnancy. It is way too hard on me since my miscarriage and D & C on 6/20. My baby was due on February 1st. I'm not trying to be rude I just can't hear about this right now. Thank you in advance for understanding."

I was feeling angry and bitter more at the situation than at my cousin and her parents (my aunt and uncle). Why did her pregnancy get to continue? Why not mine? God, why are you allowing my cousin to have her 3rd baby due just 2 weeks after my 3rd was due?

I had (several weeks ago) hid her status updates from my newsfeed on facebook because it was too hard to see all the pregnancy updates especially when I saw that she was complaining about the morning sickness and the other stuff that comes with pregnancy. I am the first to admit that this was not fair of me because I know that I have also complained about my pregnancy symptoms rather than be grateful that I was having symptoms and that it was ultimately a joyous thing that meant life was being knitted together within me. I wonder if this experience will change the way I view future pregnancies (if it is God's will for us to have more) or whether I will also fall back into complaining about the stuff that comes from pregnancy.

I looked on her page and saw that the name that they are considering for their son is Cullen which sounds very similar to Chilion. I found myself getting very irritated but then I realized a few things, (1)We have both been naming our children with names that start with C (2). I don't think she knew that Chilion was the name that we chose for our baby especially since we only posted it on this blog.

Later that afternoon, I walked up the stairs and looked up at our children picture wall. I noticed that Caitlyn's 1st year frame is still empty although she will be 2 in November. I then had the realization that we will never have pictures of Chilion to put in any frame. Well I do have the 2 ultrasound pictures but we will never see his hair or eye color, his little fingers or toes or anything else. We won't even see his personality. We will know nothing more of him this side of heaven and that saddens me. However I need to remember that I will see him again in heaven someday and that our time on this Earth is simply a blip in relation to eternity.

Although I know that God has authority over ALL things and that He is good and loving, I don't like the way He is achieving His purposes through my miscarriage. Wow, I didn't realize that I felt that way until hearing Harvey's sermon this morning, Why does God allow suffering? Which in reality, my not liking the way way God is involved in the details of my life is very arrogant of me because who am I to question God's ways? I believe that He understands that we have questions because our human minds cannot wrap themselves around so many things that are the ways of God. Yet it was humbling to hear Harvey say that God doesn't owe me an answer. Yes, he was talking to the whole congregation but God used that truth to pierce through the walls that I have built and pierced straight into my heart. Wow. Perhaps one of the purposes that He is accomplishing through all this is to make me more aware of His power, strength, sovereignty and other character traits. Perhaps it is so my wrestlings can draw others closer to God even in the midst of their struggles. Perhaps it is even to take me off the throne and rightfully put God back in that place of honor. I don't know and I may never know but I do know that God is good and loving and that His heart breaks for me during this time even though He can already see how this situation and everything else in my life will turn out.

Harvey also said earlier today that "God through suffering brings healing and redemption." I have found this to be true even today. During the sermon, there was a specific part where God put someone strongly on my heart and kept them there for the rest of the service. I went up to them afterwards and took the time to pull them aside, talk to them and pray with them. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit within me and fully in that moment. I still do not remember what I said or what words I prayed. We were both crying and Lord I thank you for that moment and that reminder that you are TRULY in all the details and that you put people in our paths so that we remember that we are not alone in our journey and that you will always give us what we need when we need it. It is truly amazing to me how you have so masterfully woven the lives (whether for a season or for longer) of your children together. I have found this to especially be true in the Living Stones community. There is a scripture in the bible where it talks about how God ordained the time and boundaries within we should live. I have definitely found this to be so true and I am grateful for the friends and acquaintances that God has placed in my path at just the right time.