They call it a process for a reason

My husband suggested last night that I may be trying to control my grief to happen on my terms rather than allowing it to happen naturally. He also said that he thought that this could be why I haven't been able to grieve, why I've been feeling emotionally blocked. At first I just blew off his comment but then as I was thinking about it, I realized it was possible that he was right. I HAVE been trying to "get er' done" wanting to work through it so that I could move on (never forgetting but not staying in the fog). I have tried to control when the tears can come, who they come out around, my emotions as a whole. But really not realizing that it is all out of my control. IT should have been evident that it was out of my control when the lashing out at my husband and friends begun or even when they gently brought it up out of concern for me. But nope, I was determined to control my grief process and timing.

It wasn't until later after recovery group that I realized that Step One totally applied here in the details of my life. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. My need to control my grief had not only become the latest manifestation of my addiction to control but also has become compulsive in that I don't know how NOT to try to control. They call it a grief process for a reason. It takes time, it doesn't happen all at once, no matter how much we want it to be that way.

I also need to trust God's truth, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

It doesn't say, in my timing. It doesn't say the way I think it should go. It doesn't give a time table or even a time limit for when all things will work together for good.

Lord I surrender my desire to control my grief (and other areas of my life and the lives of others). I trust that your way is the best way and that healing will come. May I continue to trust your heart and your character even when I have no clue what you are doing or what purposes you will accomplish. In your name, Amen.