Confusing Release

I have frequently mentioned that I have had a hard time crying over the loss of our baby Chilion. Well tonight I was able to release some well needed and cleansing tears.

I was at Winco getting some fruit and some chicken (that just looked too good not to get) for small group dinner. My eyes turned to the magazine racks and I saw, Patrick Swayze's final days. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. I even said out loud to the people ahead of me in line, Patrick Swayze is dead??

I was in total shock and started feeling overwhelming emotion, specifically sadness, come over me. I had just barely made it out of the store when the tears started, slowly at first but by the time I was behind the driver's seat they were rushing out.

I was very confused about my reaction to the news of his death because I didn't know him. I liked his movies and I had watched several with my mom but beyond that I had no connection to him. I didn't understand why I was crying over this actor that I had never met but was not able to shed the tears for Chilion even though I knew I desperately needed to release those tears.

I called my husband to tell him what was going on with me and ask him to pray for me. I was crying so much I could hardly see through my tears (which is not so great if driving). I don't remember what he said but I think he said that he thought it could be normal. After we ended our call, I immediately called my friend Beth who used to be a counselor and asked her while crying my eyes out - those chest heaving sobs that take my breath away. She said it IS normal because sometimes in our grief we get so focused on the object of our grief (for me the loss of Chilion) that our emotions get locked up and are not able to release. Then later a seemingly innocuous thing happens (for me the death of Patrick Swayze), and we find ourselves reacting because it gives us an outlet for our grief.

I cried with her on the phone all the way to my friend's house to pick her up for bible study. Then as I was exiting the freeway I said to Beth of course this is happening now as I go to this new bible study where I'm just starting to get to know these women (who sidenote are amazing). Right then my tears stopped, why do I still care so much about how I'm perceived by others? I have always been vulnerable with others, putting myself out there. So why am I having such difficulty with letting other people seeing me cry?

Well I do feel a little lighter having had that slight release. Beth warned me that this may happen more often and that it is okay and totally normal. I am learning that just as everyone goes through grief differently, it is also possible for each loss/grief process to be different. After my mom died, even seeing the old Apple logo would make me cry (she worked at Apple for most of my life) but the triggers were all understandable. With this loss of Chilion, the things I expect to make me cry don't and the things I don't expect do.

Lord please help me to let go of any control I am trying to have over my grief process and please allow it to come naturally even when it feels like the timing is inconvenient. Father God please give me discernment about when and how to share, not only this grief but all areas of my life, and with whom. Please continue to show me your purposes in all of this pain, hurt and struggle. May I suffer well and grow closer to you in my suffering and not allow this to pull me from you or others. In your name, Amen.