Waiting...***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS for those healing from the pain of miscarriage

I received the white baby bracelet last week and have been reading the books on miscarriage that I have. I was so hoping it would help crack open this unintentional wall I have up around my heart. I really need the release to cry it out. I know that if crying wasn't necessary to my grief process that I would have peace about not being able to cry. My tears have come back to a point but only to cry for others not myself. I just thought maybe I should try to look at it from the perspective of Robert or my kids or another family member to see if I am able to start crying out of empathy for their pain. I want to experience healing in this (as well as other) issue. I have tried praying, asking others to pray, reading books, reading movies, snuggling with the blanket Stephanie made for Chilion, writing but still no tears more than the feeling of tears starting to come behind my eyes. It feels like until I cry that I will not be able to experience the healing that I want. Also since we aren't using any form of birth control ever again, we know that it is always a possibility that we will conceive. A recovery group is starting up at my church and I am very fortunate to be one of the first group to go through it. I am hoping that this will be a catalyst to bring about healing in my soul. I fully believe that God will use this situation (as He has used many other situations in my life) to comfort others or even just help them see that they are not alone in their struggle. It is always my hope that by being honest that it will give someone else the courage to be honest as well so they don't have to struggle alone. As God is working in me (as I let Him), I am able to be more vulnerable and more okay with not being okay. I don't need the answers to all of the whys. I still think I need some of those answers but just because I think I need them doesn't mean (1) I actually need them (2) I will ever receive them.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I think that I may be pregnant again. I have been having some symptoms and I am late. I have also begun having cravings, I don't know why but usually when I am pregnant I get cravings as early as 4 or 5 weeks. Sometimes it happens when it is that time of the month. I have been craving mayonnaise and cheese sandwiches which isn't weird for me but every day? Also my husband made me and the girls a pb&banana sandwich and I thought ooh a sweet pickle would be great on that, I ate it and dang it was so good, I had another one! On top of the other symptoms and cravings, I have been VERY dizzy - nearly blacking out multiple times this week. So I went to my PCP (primary care physician) and she sent me for blood work to test my thyroid as well as HCG to see what (if anything) it shows. It has been 26 1/2 hours since my blood work. I have been trying so hard not to think about it but without much luck. The only thing that has helped me take my mind off of it is reading a fiction book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Yesterday the tech at Lab Corp (a wonderful amazing Godly woman who I've seen a lot of over the last year) said that my dr should have the results by tomorrow afternoon (Friday). At 130pm I called to see if they had my results yet but the only HCG result they had was from May earlier this year when I was pregnant. They suggested I call back at 430pm and I asked if they saw the results sooner to please give me a call.

I have mixed feelings about it because we truly want to be pregnant again but at the same time the fears and anxiety are overwhelming. Some of the questions whirling around in my mind:

If I am pregnant...:

• Will this pregnancy progress longer than 7 weeks?
• Will I leave the hospital next year with a healthy baby?
• Should I tell anyone (in addition to Robert) right now or wait until I can't physically hide it?
• Should we tell our kids this time?
• Will we go through the pain of a miscarriage again?
• will there be any issues with the baby?
• how will I/we handle the news?
  
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?
• will I finally be able grieve the loss of our son Chilion?
• will Robert?

If I am not pregnant...:

• Why is my body lying to me?
• is God still enough?
• will I ever become pregnant?
• was Caitlyn the last healthy child I will ever have?
• how will I/we handle the news?
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?

Honestly I wasn't sure I should blog about this waiting because if I am pregnant I'm not sure I want that public yet. However, I need to get this stuff out of my head otherwise these worries, anxieties and other things will continue to swirl around my head. I know that is not what God wants for me.

What I do know is what He says in His word about our anxieties, burdens, and needs:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)

The Greek word for 'cast’ means to throw it away. Throw your pain, your disappointment, your broken dreams, your heart ache on to the Lord for he cares for you. ~Matthew McDonald

As Dr. Michael A Smith says on his blog about Psalm 55:22: "As believers we always want the Lord to detach the burden from our shoulders and give us relief. We want him to take the burden from off us and let us go free, but that is not the promise of this verse. God does not detach the burden from us. He sustains us in bearing the burden. God wants you and your burden. God wants to carry you and your burden."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29 (ESV)

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31 (ESV)

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)

EDIT 10:35pm: I called the dr. office at 4:15pm today but they still had not received my test results. The nurse said that she would have someone pull up the information on the labcorp website. Another nurse or receptionist called me back with the results about 20 min later. She said that my TSH was normal and that all my labs looked great and then she said and of course your pregnancy test is negative. I was thinking, "of course? why of course?" But since I was a little shocked at the way she told me I just said thank you and hung up. The mind is a funny thing, it just started doing somersaults and bringing forth questions such as "well why of course? does she know something I don't? Will I ever get pregnant again?" I then went to a meeting at the church and mentioned that I thought I was pregnant but am not and my friend said it will happen. I smiled and said goodnight. In the car, I thought, "but what if it doesn't? what it is not God's plan for me to have more kids? Is God enough for me or is He only enough for me if He allows me to become pregnant and have healthy kids? Will I be like Job or like his wife who said curse God and die? " I want to be like Job and to have a faith that is so incredibly solid that it can't be moved. But honestly I don't want to have trials in my life to develop that kind of perseverance and steadfastness. I want the fruit just not the pruning. Deep down I do want the pruning because there have been weeds in my life, heart, and soul that have been choking out the only One who is worthy of my praise, Jesus. I know that it is going to get hard and uncomfortable and I say bring it on although with a little trepidation because there is a part of me that is scared that I will stay in that hard and uncomfortable place forever. I have spent most of my life trying to find the shortcut around this out of my fear. However, I know deep in my soul that as long as I focus on Jesus and keep my eyes on Him that He will walk me through the muck and to the other side (freedom from bondage).