Sunday, August 9, 2009

Bitterness and small break throughs

I was realizing the last few days, well really like last week that I haven't blogged in awhile - almost a month. I realized tonight that the reason why is because for the last month I have been in such a dark, difficult place so far from God and totally overwhelmed. I didn't even realize how far away I was until the last few days when God started poking through my walls. And He sure is persistent and so resourceful, it's like He created the universe or something! He used music, friends and sermons to talk to me about other areas in my life that need attention and ultimately to be turned over to Him.

I was at one of my best friend's BBQ yesterday and I was realizing that 7 weeks ago is when I had my D&C. I can't believe it has already been 7 WEEKS!! I feel like I haven't really made any progress in my grieving. Another friend made us a baby blanket and gave us a beautiful statue of a mother holding hands with 2 children. I ordered a baby bracelet today as a token of remembrance. We are still considering names for our baby that we will never meet this side of heaven. I have still not really cried in about 6 weeks. My tears are coming back though, I was able to cry during a testimony to the point where I thought ok this is it here comes the opening of the floodgates again, FINALLY! But then, as quickly as it begun, it finished.

I haven't really been bitter towards pregnant women overall. But I have been with my cousin and a friend from Living Stones. I realized as I was typing this that my friend was less than 6 weeks further along than I was and my cousin is due 3 weeks after I would have been. I had to apologize to my friend tonight because I realized that I was holding bitterness inside. I think that because our due dates were kinda close that it is just a hard reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. She was so sweet, understanding and gracious about it. I am grateful for a community that not only supports one another but also gives mercy and prayer to each other!

I didn't know just how many women were going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage in our community. I knew that it was happening but I had NO idea to what degree until I had my miscarriage. As I share my pain and experience with others, others open up with me. I know that God is going to do something in this community to bring healing and peace as well as support for those going through it, it's just a matter of His timing.

I was serving in the bookstore for both services tonight so during the 2nd service, I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour and just spent time with God in repentance, in total honesty and brokenness, casting my anxieties/cares and then just totally surrendering. Although it was really great and I'm so grateful, I feel like I'm still holding onto something (that I didn't turn over) because I still feel a slight weight on my soul. During my walk, I realized that I AM actually a little bitter at God. As previously mentioned in other posts, God had impressed upon me that He wanted me to be willing to have as many kids as He wanted to bless me with. What I don't understand is that since He knew that I was going to have a miscarriage, why did He ask that of me? Perhaps it was to deepen my reliance on Him and trust in Him. I don't know and I may never know. I feel like I'm in limbo on this right now. All I know is that He asked me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with. We are not using any birth control at all and do not plan to again ever. I have been praying that if it is not His will for us to have any more kids that He would make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are done (a need for a hysterectomy or something else drastic). Or maybe all of this is being used to show me that I'm still not trusting in Him or allowing Him to be all that I need. I just want peace and maybe even a little confirmation one way or another. Although despite what I want, I know that above all He is God, He is sovereign and He is to be praised even when there is "pain in the offering, blessed be Your name".

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your honesty. It is so important for us as women to be this real with each other. You are so right about the importance of community, how many share the pain, and how much God will teach us as we continue to learn to trust him. I wonder how many others cry for this very reason as we sing those words...he gives and takes away but my heart will choose to say blessed be your name.

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