Confusing Release

I have frequently mentioned that I have had a hard time crying over the loss of our baby Chilion. Well tonight I was able to release some well needed and cleansing tears.

I was at Winco getting some fruit and some chicken (that just looked too good not to get) for small group dinner. My eyes turned to the magazine racks and I saw, Patrick Swayze's final days. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. I even said out loud to the people ahead of me in line, Patrick Swayze is dead??

I was in total shock and started feeling overwhelming emotion, specifically sadness, come over me. I had just barely made it out of the store when the tears started, slowly at first but by the time I was behind the driver's seat they were rushing out.

I was very confused about my reaction to the news of his death because I didn't know him. I liked his movies and I had watched several with my mom but beyond that I had no connection to him. I didn't understand why I was crying over this actor that I had never met but was not able to shed the tears for Chilion even though I knew I desperately needed to release those tears.

I called my husband to tell him what was going on with me and ask him to pray for me. I was crying so much I could hardly see through my tears (which is not so great if driving). I don't remember what he said but I think he said that he thought it could be normal. After we ended our call, I immediately called my friend Beth who used to be a counselor and asked her while crying my eyes out - those chest heaving sobs that take my breath away. She said it IS normal because sometimes in our grief we get so focused on the object of our grief (for me the loss of Chilion) that our emotions get locked up and are not able to release. Then later a seemingly innocuous thing happens (for me the death of Patrick Swayze), and we find ourselves reacting because it gives us an outlet for our grief.

I cried with her on the phone all the way to my friend's house to pick her up for bible study. Then as I was exiting the freeway I said to Beth of course this is happening now as I go to this new bible study where I'm just starting to get to know these women (who sidenote are amazing). Right then my tears stopped, why do I still care so much about how I'm perceived by others? I have always been vulnerable with others, putting myself out there. So why am I having such difficulty with letting other people seeing me cry?

Well I do feel a little lighter having had that slight release. Beth warned me that this may happen more often and that it is okay and totally normal. I am learning that just as everyone goes through grief differently, it is also possible for each loss/grief process to be different. After my mom died, even seeing the old Apple logo would make me cry (she worked at Apple for most of my life) but the triggers were all understandable. With this loss of Chilion, the things I expect to make me cry don't and the things I don't expect do.

Lord please help me to let go of any control I am trying to have over my grief process and please allow it to come naturally even when it feels like the timing is inconvenient. Father God please give me discernment about when and how to share, not only this grief but all areas of my life, and with whom. Please continue to show me your purposes in all of this pain, hurt and struggle. May I suffer well and grow closer to you in my suffering and not allow this to pull me from you or others. In your name, Amen.

Ah bitterness, I thought you were gone

Disclaimer (specifically to family) First let me say that I do not think my feelings were right but they are still my feelings and since I said I would be open and honest this is part of it. I thought that I had turned a corner in this area, that I would no longer be bitter about the happy pregnancies of those around me. Well on 9/5 I received an email from my aunt and uncle about the pregnancy of my cousin. They had just found out that she is having a boy and due possibly on Valentines Day. I was irritated with my aunt and uncle for not being sensitive to the fact that I had just had a miscarriage and that I was due Feb. 1st. I sent them an email saying, "Please do not keep me updated with this pregnancy. It is way too hard on me since my miscarriage and D & C on 6/20. My baby was due on February 1st. I'm not trying to be rude I just can't hear about this right now. Thank you in advance for understanding."

I was feeling angry and bitter more at the situation than at my cousin and her parents (my aunt and uncle). Why did her pregnancy get to continue? Why not mine? God, why are you allowing my cousin to have her 3rd baby due just 2 weeks after my 3rd was due?

I had (several weeks ago) hid her status updates from my newsfeed on facebook because it was too hard to see all the pregnancy updates especially when I saw that she was complaining about the morning sickness and the other stuff that comes with pregnancy. I am the first to admit that this was not fair of me because I know that I have also complained about my pregnancy symptoms rather than be grateful that I was having symptoms and that it was ultimately a joyous thing that meant life was being knitted together within me. I wonder if this experience will change the way I view future pregnancies (if it is God's will for us to have more) or whether I will also fall back into complaining about the stuff that comes from pregnancy.

I looked on her page and saw that the name that they are considering for their son is Cullen which sounds very similar to Chilion. I found myself getting very irritated but then I realized a few things, (1)We have both been naming our children with names that start with C (2). I don't think she knew that Chilion was the name that we chose for our baby especially since we only posted it on this blog.

Later that afternoon, I walked up the stairs and looked up at our children picture wall. I noticed that Caitlyn's 1st year frame is still empty although she will be 2 in November. I then had the realization that we will never have pictures of Chilion to put in any frame. Well I do have the 2 ultrasound pictures but we will never see his hair or eye color, his little fingers or toes or anything else. We won't even see his personality. We will know nothing more of him this side of heaven and that saddens me. However I need to remember that I will see him again in heaven someday and that our time on this Earth is simply a blip in relation to eternity.

Although I know that God has authority over ALL things and that He is good and loving, I don't like the way He is achieving His purposes through my miscarriage. Wow, I didn't realize that I felt that way until hearing Harvey's sermon this morning, Why does God allow suffering? Which in reality, my not liking the way way God is involved in the details of my life is very arrogant of me because who am I to question God's ways? I believe that He understands that we have questions because our human minds cannot wrap themselves around so many things that are the ways of God. Yet it was humbling to hear Harvey say that God doesn't owe me an answer. Yes, he was talking to the whole congregation but God used that truth to pierce through the walls that I have built and pierced straight into my heart. Wow. Perhaps one of the purposes that He is accomplishing through all this is to make me more aware of His power, strength, sovereignty and other character traits. Perhaps it is so my wrestlings can draw others closer to God even in the midst of their struggles. Perhaps it is even to take me off the throne and rightfully put God back in that place of honor. I don't know and I may never know but I do know that God is good and loving and that His heart breaks for me during this time even though He can already see how this situation and everything else in my life will turn out.

Harvey also said earlier today that "God through suffering brings healing and redemption." I have found this to be true even today. During the sermon, there was a specific part where God put someone strongly on my heart and kept them there for the rest of the service. I went up to them afterwards and took the time to pull them aside, talk to them and pray with them. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit within me and fully in that moment. I still do not remember what I said or what words I prayed. We were both crying and Lord I thank you for that moment and that reminder that you are TRULY in all the details and that you put people in our paths so that we remember that we are not alone in our journey and that you will always give us what we need when we need it. It is truly amazing to me how you have so masterfully woven the lives (whether for a season or for longer) of your children together. I have found this to especially be true in the Living Stones community. There is a scripture in the bible where it talks about how God ordained the time and boundaries within we should live. I have definitely found this to be so true and I am grateful for the friends and acquaintances that God has placed in my path at just the right time.

They call it a process for a reason

My husband suggested last night that I may be trying to control my grief to happen on my terms rather than allowing it to happen naturally. He also said that he thought that this could be why I haven't been able to grieve, why I've been feeling emotionally blocked. At first I just blew off his comment but then as I was thinking about it, I realized it was possible that he was right. I HAVE been trying to "get er' done" wanting to work through it so that I could move on (never forgetting but not staying in the fog). I have tried to control when the tears can come, who they come out around, my emotions as a whole. But really not realizing that it is all out of my control. IT should have been evident that it was out of my control when the lashing out at my husband and friends begun or even when they gently brought it up out of concern for me. But nope, I was determined to control my grief process and timing.

It wasn't until later after recovery group that I realized that Step One totally applied here in the details of my life. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. My need to control my grief had not only become the latest manifestation of my addiction to control but also has become compulsive in that I don't know how NOT to try to control. They call it a grief process for a reason. It takes time, it doesn't happen all at once, no matter how much we want it to be that way.

I also need to trust God's truth, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

It doesn't say, in my timing. It doesn't say the way I think it should go. It doesn't give a time table or even a time limit for when all things will work together for good.

Lord I surrender my desire to control my grief (and other areas of my life and the lives of others). I trust that your way is the best way and that healing will come. May I continue to trust your heart and your character even when I have no clue what you are doing or what purposes you will accomplish. In your name, Amen.

Medical Jargon lameness

MAY BE CONSIDERED MEDICALLY GRAPHIC TO SOME - USE DISCRETION: I was paying the bills recently for my D & C from June. I found out that they had test results concerning my miscarriage. I immediately requested the records only to discover upon receiving them that the medical community does not refer to a miscarriage as a miscarriage. On my test results it said missed abortion. It also refers to my baby Chilion, who had a soul and was as much an image bearer or God as anyone walking around on this Earth, as products of conception. Those cells were a part of his body that God was knitting together in my womb. I really wish that the medical community would reconsider how they deal with this topic of miscarriage as not just a medical occurrence that affects a woman physically but also as an emotional, mental and spiritual loss for the woman, her spouse/significant other and their friends and families. Or at the very least put it in a different category than abortions. Actually after seeing the below info online I think it was considered an incomplete abortion.
I just looked up missed abortion online and came across this info on https://www.google.com/health/ref/Miscarriage :
"A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)

A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.

Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:

• Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
• Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
• Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
• Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
• Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

While I do believe that every life/every pregnancy is a child with a soul even at the moment just after conception, I do not condemn those who have chosen to have abortions. That is not for me to do. God has definitely grown me in this area because I have had a hard time showing compassion for those who have had abortions especially since we have had problems with fertility as do many others. But God has shown me that it is a sin just like all sin that was paid for with the sacrifice of Jesus once and for all on the cross. There is no sin that is greater than another because ALL sin separates us from God. Only Jesus can blot out and cover over our sin.

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