Healing...When will the actual process start? - moved from family blog

"We're sorry! A permanent error has occurred while fulfilling your request. Please try again later."

I feel like this is the message (see above in italics) I received when we found out last Thursday that the pregnancy had stopped progressing and that miscarriage would happen.

I know that there are varying opinions about when "life" and being a person begins. I believe that it starts at the moment of conception. Any pregnancy loss whether 2 days or 39 weeks is a loss of a person..A loss of the present but also the loss of their future, who they would become, what they would do, the love that they would share with others. I will never be able to hold this child, give them hugs and kisses, or even see them. We had already to begun to bond with the baby and so had the girls. They would give the baby kisses and hugs at least 2 or 3 times a day. Chloe would sing our good morning song (or rather my mom's good morning song that she used to sing to us) to the baby every day with excitement. We told Chloe and Caitlyn that mommy's baby had died and was up in heaven with Jesus. Death is a very difficult and abstract idea for a 2 year old just like the idea of a baby that you can't see. She has been asking every day at random times, where's mommy's baby? Then I take a breath and explain it again that mommy's baby is all gone and has gone away. We have decided that we will name our angel baby but we haven't decided what that name will be.
Since thursday, I just feel like I'm in a daze, life is going on around me. I'm more than 75% better physically from the D&C on Saturday but I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface emotionally and mentally. I am a fairly emotional person (some would say over-emotional), Yet I have not been able to cry at all.. Perhaps I'm still in shock or maybe even denial. Perhaps it is God's peace washing over me, yet I don't feel peaceful. While I don't blame God in any way, I'm having a hard time figuring out why I'm not really feeling anything. I feel kind of down but that could also be tiredness. I've been reading lots of stuff online about miscarriage and many of the women who are grieving just cry all the time. That is how I began grieving whem my mom died, I cried for nearly a week straight. Am I not strong enough to handle it emotionally right now? I'm not sure...I've even tried reading some online books about miscarriage and have looked up movies that have miscarriage in them to see if that can help me get these tears out that so desperately want to escape my eyes and my heart. We are planning on trying again within the next few months (as soon as my dr says it is safe). However, I want to make sure that I have at least begun the healing process for this child.

I came across a poem about miscarriage that I could really relate with..

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
…existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
…were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

By Jan Cosby

Miscarriage/ D&C

WARNING:THIS POST INCLUDES DETAILED MEDICAL INFORMATION THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED GRAPHIC TO SOME.

Monday, June 15th I started having spotting and some light spotting. I called the dr and the nurse called me right back and sent me in to get an hcg level. It had dipped down to 12000 which was clearly the wrong way. The day before my ultrasound, I started passing blood clots. Small ones but I still knew it wasn’t good. I was pretty sure that it was over. I called the dr and they said to keep my ultrasound appointment and if I soaked more than 1 pad in an hour to go to the ER. The next day June 18, 2009 at my follow up ultrasound, not only was there still not an embryo but the yolk sac had gone away. The gestational sac was still there but was only measuring 6w and some odd days rather than measuring 7wks 3 days as it should have been. That was it, it was confirmed that the pregnancy would not continue. We talked to the nurse (the dr was post call and wasn’t there) and she said that they wanted to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally because they didn’t want to do a D&C if they could avoid it as it is a surgical procedure. She told me to go in for yet another hcg level that Saturday to make sure that it was decreasing and then if I hadn’t had a large amount of bleeding by Monday to call and then get another hcg on Monday. My level that Saturday was 2000 so it was definitely going down. While I was waiting at the lab, I ended up getting into a conversation with a guy who was a Christian. I didn’t tell him that I was in the process of a miscarriage only that I was going through a very hard time. As we were both getting ready to leave he said that God told him to pray for me and also that God loved me unconditionally and has a plan for what I’m going through. Wow, Thank you Jesus for that encouragement!
Later that day, I went to a friend’s daughters 1 year birthday party. I did fine being around all the pregnant women (I think there were 5 or 6) until someone suggested that a picture be taken of all the baby bumps. That hurt so I found a corner, let myself cry for a minute and then turned my focus back on the celebration. I was having fun just talking and watching my little girls “serve” food to other people – they have such giving and thoughtful hearts. I had some mild cramping which started to increase in intensity so I asked the host for some Tylenol. About an hour later (during gifts being opened), my pain had greatly increased to the point where I needed to at least sit if not lay down. I asked someone to watch my kids so I could lay down. I was trying to lay down without letting the majority of people (who didn’t know I was pregnant much less miscarrying) know what was going on because I didn’t want to take the focus off of the birthday girl. I was grateful that some people knew what was going on, so I could talk to them about it. I went to the bathroom and I had started bleeding heavily. It came on so suddenly that I didn’t have an extra pad with me, and the women I asked didn’t have one either. After another trip to the bathroom with the same result, the pain became so bad that I was doubled over in pain, white and clammy– still trying not to let the majority of people know what was going on. My friend Sara asked if I wanted her to call my husband to come pick me up but we only have one car and I was driving it. She offered to drive me and the kids home in my car. I thought that I could make it myself and I was trying not to be a burden. I started to get my stuff together when the pain became even worse. I found my friend Alicia and just lay down with my head on her lap, she stroked my hair as a comfort to me. I asked her if she would be willing to drive me and the girls home because the pain had gotten a lot worse. It is easier for me to ask for help with people I know well. Sara, Alicia and some other friends helped to gather my stuff and the kids and helped us to the car. She drove us home while I called Robert to let him know what was going on. Alicia went and bought me some Thermacare heat pads to help with the severe cramping. I laid down immediately, the pain continued to get even worse and started to feel like labor pains/contractions. At about 330p I called the on call nurse and told her what was going on, the pain was starting to be so bad I was crying. She told me to get to the ER. We didn’t really want to go because we were sure that we would have a very long wait and then they would just tell me that I was having a miscarriage (which we already knew) and to go home to allow it to happen. Plus the girls were napping and we didn’t want to take them with us since we didn’t know how long we would be gone. I started calling friends to come over to watch the girls but being a Saturday many people were away from their phones or traveling. I really wished that family lived closer so that I could call them. At this point, I told Robert that I could just drive myself and he said absolutely not, you are having trouble walking from our bed to the bathroom, you are in no shape to drive and you are not going by yourself! It took me 14 calls (it was a Saturday during wedding season!) but then I found a friend who had watched the girls recently which I thought was extra good because it was already going to be weird for the girls to wake up and not have mommy and daddy home.

We went to the ER and was convinced that we would be there for hours before we were even seen. Luckily it wasn't that busy and they were able to get me in within 15 minutes. I had my blood drawn so they could test my Hcg levels again. Then they took me right back to be seen. A doctor examined me and saw that there was blood clots and tissue stuck on/right near my cervix which is what was causing me so much pain. She tried to remove it (without pain meds-ARGH) but my cervix was too tender. She called the dr on call. While we were waiting, the nurse tried to put an iv in. she either really missed or my vein was too difficult to get, but it HURT. She ended up putting a children's iv line into my hand. But then she gave me pain meds so then it didn't hurt as much. The dr. came in and didn't examine me but told me that she was going to do a d&c and that I would need to stay overnight for observation. Here is a link for more info about a D&C http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html They had me fill out the paperwork and then they pretty much took me to surgery. The anesthesiologist was trying to figure out which way to sedate me and was uncomfortable with the fact that I had eaten 24 skittles less than 4 hours prior. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. Robert went home to take care of the kids and to bring them and some stuff for me back to the hospital. I left the following morning and went straight to church as it was Sunday morning.

Throughout the 5 weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I sent out email updates (going to post0to ask for prayer and support. I would have had a MUCH more difficult time going through those 5 weeks, and so far the 2 weeks and 4 days since finding out I was going to have a miscarriage, without the support and prayer of my Living Stones community and family. I have definitely been learning that it is ok to not be ok and I don’t have to have it all together.

Day 3 - Healing and Hospital Visit (moved from family blog)

Well today was interesting. I was at a friend's daughter's 1 yr old party which was lots of fun. then about 45 min in, I started doubling over in pain from cramps and low back pain. Since most of the other guests didn't know about the miscarriage, I was trying to hide it. It got to the point where I had to leave early and have my friend drive us home since Robert was at home and we only have one car. I went home and laid down on top of a heating pad to see if that would help. 3 hours later the pain was still excruciating (it felt as painful as labor pains) with no sign of stopping anytime soon. I called the nurse on call at my ob/gyn and she told me that since the pain was so severe I needed to go to the ER. We didn't want to bring the girls with us to the ER because we didn't know how long it would take and I didn't want them seeing me in that much pain.

We were able to get in super fast, within 15-30 min. They did an exam and found out that some lady stuff was stuck unable to come out the way it normally does each month. They weren't able to remove it so they admitted me and scheduled me for a d&c. They gave me some pain meds which kinda helped. The procedure was successful and now just resting using the hospital wifi. I LOVE that they have wifi! I should be discharged in the morning. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep. So not tired right now!

One of my best friends brought me a sandwich, applesauce and sorbet - YAY friends! Robert brought the girls to visit, The girls just left the hospital about an hour ago and apparently on the way home Robert said that as soon as they got home, they were going to go straight to bed because it is super late. Chloe said, "no late, it's rude to be late." We are teaching the girls that it is rude to be late. I thought you would enjoy that little misinterpretation of which meaning of the word Robert was using.

Beginning the Journey - moved from family blog

I may post blogs about how the healing process is going - not sure yet. I'm doing okay but that could be because I've been distracting myself with TV and Internet. It comes in waves but really the hardest points for me is when Caitlyn kisses my belly or when Chloe says where's mommy's baby over and over and over. I know that pregnancy and loss are abstract concepts that are difficult for a 2 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old to understand. Chloe has also already started asking mommy another baby? I mentioned once yesterday that after mommy is all better and healed that we are going to try to have another baby. I am also struggling with a small amount of bitterness, there are A LOT of women that I know right now that are pregnant. I'm truly happy for them and truly sad for us.

I have to go in tomorrow to get a hormone level check so they can make sure it is going down. If it isn't down enough by Monday or Wednesday they will have to do a D&C under general anesthesia. We are hoping that I won't have to do that. As my body "takes care of things" I'm in some pain but really more than anything I just feel like I'm in a bit of a fog. It's hard to be going through this and still be responsible for toddlers who aren't quite ready to do things on their own. Although Chloe is getting pretty good at changing her own diaper! and getting food from the pantry - but this one I'm not too fond of, we may need to child proof that door too.

I"m grateful that I have a busy weekend ahead so that I won't just sit and focus on our loss but I also don't want to gloss over this and not grieve. I know that God will help me to grieve when the time comes, when He thinks I'm strong enough to handle it - it could be now it could be weeks, months or even years from now. He has helped me to grieve for my mom - that took more than 8 1/2 years but I've finally accepted it and am not angry anymore. I think that I'm stronger than I was before and hopefully the grieving process won't be nearly as long this time.

A verse that is helping me today: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Emails sent to friends - 5/27/09-6/19/09

Below are emails sent to friends when we didn't know what was going on with the pregnancy..
*************************************************************************************
5/27/09~

Hope you are having a better day than we did today. I went to the dr today to find out how far along I am with this pregnancy after finding out 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant. It looks like about 5 weeks although, they couldn't find the heartbeat or something called the fetal pole (I just looked it up on wikipedia and I feel much more calm now - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_pole ). They tested my hcg (pregnancy hormone) and while the level was increasing it is increasing slower than desired. From what I've read, slowly increasing hcg levels almost always lead to a miscarriage. They are having me come in for a follow up ultrasound next Thursday, June 4th at 1130am.

From what the dr was saying here are the possibilities:

* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with twins
* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with one child
* molar pregnancy
* possible miscarriage

Today has been very emotionally draining. Please be in confidential prayer for me and my family. I'm very torn about whether to share this with more people because I do believe in the power of prayer. At the same time, I think that it might be too hard on me to have more people know especially when I don't know how this is going to play out. So basically, use your discernment in whether or not to share. Please do not post anything on facebook as we were planning on telling our family in person in mid june and with this latest development, we want to have more information before telling them.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this time, and always! I am very honored to have you all in my life.
*************************************************************************************
6/4/09
Thank you all so much for praying! I have definitely felt it over the past week.

I had my follow up ultrasound today and there were some positive changes from last week but still inconclusive. Although it has been 8 days since my last ultrasound, they were only able to see 3 days of growth which means either the first calculation was off or that there is something developmentally wrong with the pregnancy. (If you want more exact details, please let me know via email - I just didn't want to have too much info here for people who may not want to know the details).

So....the waiting continues. I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks on June 18th at 1245pm and based on that ultrasound, I should have a definite answer as to whether this pregnancy is "viable" or not. I hate the medical terms because it doesn't take into account that life has begun already.

I'm doing okay with the information - it is just difficult because 1 day my body acts pregnant and then the next day it acts like I may be losing the pregnancy. Please pray that these 2 weeks will fly by as waiting and not knowing is the hardest part in all this. Please also pray that when we tell family next week (we wanted to do it in person) that they will hear it all well and not be careless in their words and that God would use this situation to cause them to draw close to God or even to begin desiring God.

Thank you again for all of your prayers & support. I am VERY grateful to have you all in my life!
*************************************************************************************
6/16/09

Today my body started doing some things that could indicate the beginning of a miscarriage or it could just be irritation in baby land. I called the dr. and the nurse said to just wait and see and there is still a possibility that things are fine. I'm starting to prepare my heart and mind for what feels like the inevitable yet I have hope that this isn't the end. Please pray for my heart and my mind to not be troubled but to be focused on God and His sovereignty. Please also pray that the next 40 hours and 7 min until my next ultrasound fly by so that I don't focus (or research on the Internet - dangerous!) solely on this situation.

As always, please let me know if you have any questions or if you want more information as I am being intentionally vague.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
***************************************************************************************
6/19/09~

Thank you so much for all of your prayers over these last 5 weeks. It has brought me peace and has helped the time creep by a little faster. As some of you already know, it was confirmed today that I did have a miscarriage. I'm doing alright overall but am trying to figure out how to grieve and be a wife and mom at the same time. The last time I really needed to grieve was after mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago. Back then I had no hope and now I have hope in God and his sovereign plan for my life. So I'm not too sure what grieving looks like without the heavy partying and such. I do know that there is ice cream involved. :-) I don't think it has hit Robert yet as he has been VERY busy at work. He came with me today, but he had to go back to work.

I am not angry at God for the miscarriage, he did not "do it" to me. I understand that it is a result of the fall of man, when sin entered the world it fractured many things and corrupted them. I am confused and I don't understand why He allowed this pregnancy to continue since he knew when and how it would end. I know that there is a reason and that I may never know that reason. But above all, I trust God and as our pastor said recently, "Even when you can't see His hand, trust His heart." and I do. I do know that as God has used other things in my life, He will use this too.

Please pray that we will all grieve for this loss and that we won't allow it to overwhelm us even when the waves of grief are threatening to crash down on us. We are planning on continuing our family. We recently felt God impressing upon us that He wants us to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with, this miscarriage hasn't changed this but we do sincerely hope and are praying that we will not experience many more losses such as this. Please also pray for wisdom and discernment for timing of trying again (after the dr gives the ok).

Some of you have asked if there is anything you can do...PRAY. Also it's okay to simply say sorry or even that you don't know what to say. Please be understanding if I'm not up to talking, it isn't anything personal.

I am thankful for each and every one of you!

Love~

Nikki

Background info and Finding out we were pregnant

When I was pregnant with both Chloe and Caitlyn I told pretty much everyone right away as soon as we found out – best friends, family, small group, then the world.  I have always found out early on in my pregnancies. With Chloe, I was 4 weeks when I found out because we were doing FSH shots, Metformin and Clomid to get pregnant. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which means I don’t ovulate regularly. With Caitlyn, I was 5 weeks when I found out. I was craving the same things I did in my first trimester with Chloe – anything with vinegar in it, pickles, mustard, potato salad, and other things. Caitlyn was very much a surprise because we assumed, that when we were ready to have another baby that we would go back to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to restart medications, shots and if needed necessary procedures.
Earlier this year, I felt God impressing upon me that He wanted us to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with, which either meant we were done having kids or that there would be more kids to come. I knew that it had come from God and not myself because I am definitely not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. My body doesn’t like being pregnant, it rebels. If I could boil pregnancy down to 5things and have it not take 40 weeks I would be ecstatic. 1. Finding out we are pregnant 2. Telling others 3. Feeling the baby move for the first time 4.finding out the gender 5. Having the baby (not the actual labor itself but the result of having the baby. I realized a few months later that just because God asked us to be willing, it didn’t mean that He was promising that He would bless us with more children. This was a hard realization because I wanted it to be a promise because I didn’t feel like we were “done” yet. We stopped prevention methods back in August of last year. I will also not go back on any type of birth control because it messes with my hormones too much and it makes trying to get pregnant when we are ready much harder. I know that this may not be understood or agreed with by many but it is a choice that my husband and I have made and it is our choice to make. I believe that God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle even when it feels overwhelming. So I am literally an open vessel. 
I found out that I was pregnant when I was only 2 weeks and 4 days along. I was feeling very exhausted, even more than usual as I am a mother of 2 very active toddler girls Chloe 2 ½ and Caitlyn 1 ½. I went to my primary care doctor in May and she ran a thyroid level test and a pregnancy test. My husband Robert was convinced that I was pregnant so I had asked the dr to run the pregnancy test even though I was so sure it would come back negative. Well my thyroid levels came back slightly elevated and I was pregnant! I was kind of in shock and not sure whether it was the right time to have another baby. We were trying but not really very aggressively. I was in the process of losing weight and wanted to get down to a lower weight before getting pregnant so that I might have an easier pregnancy. My goal had been to get down to a specific weight and then aggressively try to get pregnant. Pregnancy is pretty hard on my body, my whole body aches severely throughout the whole pregnancy. I did want this baby although at times I felt overwhelmed not sure I could handle another baby, especially with 2 toddlers. But I realized that if God had blessed us with a pregnancy that I was able to handle it.
We decided that this time we would wait to tell the general population as there had been many miscarriages over the last few years in the Living Stones Community (the service we attend, Living Stones is a ministry of Grace Church in Reno, NV). Some people knew that we were trying or at least that we were open to the possibility. Since we weren’t telling a lot of people, when they would ask what was new or even point blank ask, I would say that it would happen in God’s timing. I felt bad for not telling the truth but I wasn’t quite ready to have everyone know. I told one of my best friends, Sarah the day after we found out. Then at church the following day, I pulled aside another best friend, Lisa and kind of whispered, ok I’m going to tell you something but I need you to stay calm. I can only imagine what she was thinking I would say next. I told my friend George because he also is in charge of the ministry heads of Living Stones, I’m currently the ministry head of the book store for Living Stones. When I was pregnant with Chloe, I was a ministry head of another ministry at Living Stones. Within a month or two of that pregnancy, I dropped out of the ministry and became very sporadic in my attendance of church and small group (bible study) because I was tired, sore, and pregnant – I didn’t realize that life didn’t really need to stop when I was pregnant. When pregnant with Caitlyn, I again became very sporadic in my attendance of church and small group. I didn’t want to start the cycle of being sporadic again and so I knew I needed accountability. The following week, I told my small group and even gave them all Pregnancy Prayer cards that I had written with ways they could specifically pray for this pregnancy complete with physical, emotional and financial needs. I slowly told other women that I am close to but we hadn’t yet told family because we were going to be visiting in less than a month and we wanted to tell them in person for at least one pregnancy.
My primary care doctor wanted to repeat the thyroid and pregnancy tests a week later to make sure that the thyroid levels were going down and the HCG (human chorionic gonadatropin) levels were increasing, indicating a healthy pregnancy. My thyroid levels went back down to normal range and my HCG levels had gone from approximately 4000 to 11000 which is good but not great. HCG levels should double every 72 hours, but they don’t always with everyone so at this point I wasn’t worried.
I went to see my ob/gyn 2 weeks later so that they could confirm the pregnancy with an ultrasound. Also I wanted to find out how far along I was because my LMP (last menstrual period) was March 5 ( I had skipped April) and I definitely knew that I wasn’t 10 or 11 weeks along because my body didn’t feel that far along. The R.N. at the ob/gyn office did my internal ultrasound and could see a gestational sac but no embryo. She said that I was measuring 5 weeks along. I had them print me a picture anyways so even if things went horribly wrong I would have some type of picture of my baby. I talked with my ob and he said that based on my hcg levels, they should at least be able to see an embryo even if there was not yet a heart beat because usually with an hcg of 2000 an embryo can be seen. He said that it didn’t look good but that there was still a possibility that everything was okay and it was just too early to see the embryo or even that my levels could be so high it could be twins. He sent me to get another hcg level and told me to come back in a week for a follow up ultrasound. My hcg this time was only 13000 almost 14000. My nurse said that it didn’t look good but there was still a possibility that everything was fine.
I went to small group that night and just cried my eyes out. My friends prayed with me and just hugged me trying to comfort me in any way that they could. Due to vacations and work schedules only 4 of us were at group that night and since it was a very weighty study on Titus 3, the small group leaders had already decided to postpone it til the following week to give them more time to really dig deep into it as well as wait until many of the girls would be able to attend. We just had a low key hang out night which is exactly what I needed. We walked to a store and bought ice cream, ice cream doesn’t make everything better but it certainly helps.
That weekend, I was helping at the MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) garage sale. I talked to some of the other moms and found out about other women who had the same thing happen with their ultrasounds where they couldn’t see an embryo and were told to expect the worst but then they went back a week or two later and they were able to see an embryo, heard a heartbeat, and went on to have a healthy baby. After I heard this, I had hope again that everything was going to turn out fine and that the same thing would happen to me.
Eight days after my ultrasound, we went back in for the follow up ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown and now there was also a yolk sac which was progress but still no embryo. However the baby was only measuring at 5 weeks 3 days although it had been over a week. I convinced myself that the first calculation was wrong and that everything was fine. The tech said that we could be cautiously optimistic. I again asked for a picture. The dr sent me to repeat the hcg which went up to about 14000 which was not very much progress at all. He asked me to come back in 10 days but I was going to be out of town and so they scheduled another ultrasound for 2 weeks later, which would give us a definitive answer one way or the other about whether the pregnancy was progressing and would continue or whether it was ending.
We went to visit family and told our parents and siblings that we were expecting. There was a lot of shock since our youngest was only 19 months old. It was weird for me because I was expecting the same reaction from our family as from our friends who immediately would hug and congratulate me so happy for us. I think that our family was just concerned about our finances especially in this economic climate. It could also be that some of the ways we told them came out a little suddenly and awkwardly. I was kind of surprised at the shock and some of the careless comments because we had told them that we were planning on having four kids. I realized later that we hadn’t yet told them that God had impressed upon us that He wanted us to have as many kids as He wanted to bless us with.

Introduction

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
I’ve decided to blog about my journey through the mourning of our loss of our baby. I have always found that writing has helped me work through things and it also helps me to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come especially when I get discouraged or feel like the pain will never end. Why am I making it public and not just a private journal? I’ve found when I have tried to work through pain or even grief completely by myself without talking to others or letting others know where I am at, I begin to isolate and turn inward. I also fully trust that God will use this pain and heartache to help others who have been through loss and pain and haven’t ever really addressed it, are in the process of addressing it or are at the beginning of the pain or loss not quite sure which way is up. WARNING: At times it may be very raw, wordy and even may include TMI (too much information). This is my place to be completely open and honest. This is also why I decided to make this a separate blog so that if family and friends chose not to read about all of this that they wouldn’t be forced to just to see our other family updates.