Emails sent to friends - 5/27/09-6/19/09

Below are emails sent to friends when we didn't know what was going on with the pregnancy..
*************************************************************************************
5/27/09~

Hope you are having a better day than we did today. I went to the dr today to find out how far along I am with this pregnancy after finding out 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant. It looks like about 5 weeks although, they couldn't find the heartbeat or something called the fetal pole (I just looked it up on wikipedia and I feel much more calm now - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_pole ). They tested my hcg (pregnancy hormone) and while the level was increasing it is increasing slower than desired. From what I've read, slowly increasing hcg levels almost always lead to a miscarriage. They are having me come in for a follow up ultrasound next Thursday, June 4th at 1130am.

From what the dr was saying here are the possibilities:

* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with twins
* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with one child
* molar pregnancy
* possible miscarriage

Today has been very emotionally draining. Please be in confidential prayer for me and my family. I'm very torn about whether to share this with more people because I do believe in the power of prayer. At the same time, I think that it might be too hard on me to have more people know especially when I don't know how this is going to play out. So basically, use your discernment in whether or not to share. Please do not post anything on facebook as we were planning on telling our family in person in mid june and with this latest development, we want to have more information before telling them.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this time, and always! I am very honored to have you all in my life.
*************************************************************************************
6/4/09
Thank you all so much for praying! I have definitely felt it over the past week.

I had my follow up ultrasound today and there were some positive changes from last week but still inconclusive. Although it has been 8 days since my last ultrasound, they were only able to see 3 days of growth which means either the first calculation was off or that there is something developmentally wrong with the pregnancy. (If you want more exact details, please let me know via email - I just didn't want to have too much info here for people who may not want to know the details).

So....the waiting continues. I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks on June 18th at 1245pm and based on that ultrasound, I should have a definite answer as to whether this pregnancy is "viable" or not. I hate the medical terms because it doesn't take into account that life has begun already.

I'm doing okay with the information - it is just difficult because 1 day my body acts pregnant and then the next day it acts like I may be losing the pregnancy. Please pray that these 2 weeks will fly by as waiting and not knowing is the hardest part in all this. Please also pray that when we tell family next week (we wanted to do it in person) that they will hear it all well and not be careless in their words and that God would use this situation to cause them to draw close to God or even to begin desiring God.

Thank you again for all of your prayers & support. I am VERY grateful to have you all in my life!
*************************************************************************************
6/16/09

Today my body started doing some things that could indicate the beginning of a miscarriage or it could just be irritation in baby land. I called the dr. and the nurse said to just wait and see and there is still a possibility that things are fine. I'm starting to prepare my heart and mind for what feels like the inevitable yet I have hope that this isn't the end. Please pray for my heart and my mind to not be troubled but to be focused on God and His sovereignty. Please also pray that the next 40 hours and 7 min until my next ultrasound fly by so that I don't focus (or research on the Internet - dangerous!) solely on this situation.

As always, please let me know if you have any questions or if you want more information as I am being intentionally vague.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
***************************************************************************************
6/19/09~

Thank you so much for all of your prayers over these last 5 weeks. It has brought me peace and has helped the time creep by a little faster. As some of you already know, it was confirmed today that I did have a miscarriage. I'm doing alright overall but am trying to figure out how to grieve and be a wife and mom at the same time. The last time I really needed to grieve was after mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago. Back then I had no hope and now I have hope in God and his sovereign plan for my life. So I'm not too sure what grieving looks like without the heavy partying and such. I do know that there is ice cream involved. :-) I don't think it has hit Robert yet as he has been VERY busy at work. He came with me today, but he had to go back to work.

I am not angry at God for the miscarriage, he did not "do it" to me. I understand that it is a result of the fall of man, when sin entered the world it fractured many things and corrupted them. I am confused and I don't understand why He allowed this pregnancy to continue since he knew when and how it would end. I know that there is a reason and that I may never know that reason. But above all, I trust God and as our pastor said recently, "Even when you can't see His hand, trust His heart." and I do. I do know that as God has used other things in my life, He will use this too.

Please pray that we will all grieve for this loss and that we won't allow it to overwhelm us even when the waves of grief are threatening to crash down on us. We are planning on continuing our family. We recently felt God impressing upon us that He wants us to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with, this miscarriage hasn't changed this but we do sincerely hope and are praying that we will not experience many more losses such as this. Please also pray for wisdom and discernment for timing of trying again (after the dr gives the ok).

Some of you have asked if there is anything you can do...PRAY. Also it's okay to simply say sorry or even that you don't know what to say. Please be understanding if I'm not up to talking, it isn't anything personal.

I am thankful for each and every one of you!

Love~

Nikki