Beginning the Journey - moved from family blog

I may post blogs about how the healing process is going - not sure yet. I'm doing okay but that could be because I've been distracting myself with TV and Internet. It comes in waves but really the hardest points for me is when Caitlyn kisses my belly or when Chloe says where's mommy's baby over and over and over. I know that pregnancy and loss are abstract concepts that are difficult for a 2 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old to understand. Chloe has also already started asking mommy another baby? I mentioned once yesterday that after mommy is all better and healed that we are going to try to have another baby. I am also struggling with a small amount of bitterness, there are A LOT of women that I know right now that are pregnant. I'm truly happy for them and truly sad for us.

I have to go in tomorrow to get a hormone level check so they can make sure it is going down. If it isn't down enough by Monday or Wednesday they will have to do a D&C under general anesthesia. We are hoping that I won't have to do that. As my body "takes care of things" I'm in some pain but really more than anything I just feel like I'm in a bit of a fog. It's hard to be going through this and still be responsible for toddlers who aren't quite ready to do things on their own. Although Chloe is getting pretty good at changing her own diaper! and getting food from the pantry - but this one I'm not too fond of, we may need to child proof that door too.

I"m grateful that I have a busy weekend ahead so that I won't just sit and focus on our loss but I also don't want to gloss over this and not grieve. I know that God will help me to grieve when the time comes, when He thinks I'm strong enough to handle it - it could be now it could be weeks, months or even years from now. He has helped me to grieve for my mom - that took more than 8 1/2 years but I've finally accepted it and am not angry anymore. I think that I'm stronger than I was before and hopefully the grieving process won't be nearly as long this time.

A verse that is helping me today: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6