Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Healing...When will the actual process start? - moved from family blog

"We're sorry! A permanent error has occurred while fulfilling your request. Please try again later."

I feel like this is the message (see above in italics) I received when we found out last Thursday that the pregnancy had stopped progressing and that miscarriage would happen.

I know that there are varying opinions about when "life" and being a person begins. I believe that it starts at the moment of conception. Any pregnancy loss whether 2 days or 39 weeks is a loss of a person..A loss of the present but also the loss of their future, who they would become, what they would do, the love that they would share with others. I will never be able to hold this child, give them hugs and kisses, or even see them. We had already to begun to bond with the baby and so had the girls. They would give the baby kisses and hugs at least 2 or 3 times a day. Chloe would sing our good morning song (or rather my mom's good morning song that she used to sing to us) to the baby every day with excitement. We told Chloe and Caitlyn that mommy's baby had died and was up in heaven with Jesus. Death is a very difficult and abstract idea for a 2 year old just like the idea of a baby that you can't see. She has been asking every day at random times, where's mommy's baby? Then I take a breath and explain it again that mommy's baby is all gone and has gone away. We have decided that we will name our angel baby but we haven't decided what that name will be.
Since thursday, I just feel like I'm in a daze, life is going on around me. I'm more than 75% better physically from the D&C on Saturday but I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface emotionally and mentally. I am a fairly emotional person (some would say over-emotional), Yet I have not been able to cry at all.. Perhaps I'm still in shock or maybe even denial. Perhaps it is God's peace washing over me, yet I don't feel peaceful. While I don't blame God in any way, I'm having a hard time figuring out why I'm not really feeling anything. I feel kind of down but that could also be tiredness. I've been reading lots of stuff online about miscarriage and many of the women who are grieving just cry all the time. That is how I began grieving whem my mom died, I cried for nearly a week straight. Am I not strong enough to handle it emotionally right now? I'm not sure...I've even tried reading some online books about miscarriage and have looked up movies that have miscarriage in them to see if that can help me get these tears out that so desperately want to escape my eyes and my heart. We are planning on trying again within the next few months (as soon as my dr says it is safe). However, I want to make sure that I have at least begun the healing process for this child.

I came across a poem about miscarriage that I could really relate with..

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
…existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
…were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

By Jan Cosby


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