Stagnant or part of the process?

I feel like I have become stagnant in my healing because I can't cry. Not only can I not cry, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my chest (heart) and my mind. I don't have peace about it at all. I am a pretty emotional woman. I cry at commercials, when friends get engaged, friends get pregnant, movies and even cartoons. Why are only a few tears escaping my eyes? I feel all bottled up and that is not healthy. Lord please help me cry even if it is at an inopportune time!

I am going to get a baby bracelet from the bookstore at church as a token to remember/grieve for my lost baby (still to be named). I also asked a friend who makes baby blankets to make one for us. Another friend who has also gone through the heartache of miscarriage is going to lend me some books to help me with the grieving.

I was starting to plan out this school year (ie the number of weeks) to homeschool my preschoolish aged girls and I got to February 1st (my estimated due date) and I just stopped and felt like it was hard to breathe all of a sudden but no tears.

I had a picnic potluck with some other women bible studies this past Monday and I met someone who had just experienced her 2nd m/c. She was surprised to hear that although it has been less than a month that I am not angry at God for my m/c. She asked me how I got rid of my anger and I told her that I never was angry at God for my m/c. I don't think that lack of anger is common in women who have experienced this type of loss. When my mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago, I was VERY angry with God although I didn't believe in Him or follow Him yet. I was only able to let go of that anger within the last couple of years.

I've heard that every loss is different and now I truly know that to be true because my loss and grieving process have been very different for my mom and for my lost baby.

How many Kids do you have?

This is a seemingly innocuous question to most but to someone that has had a miscarriage, it is excruciating. I have been asked this a lot in the last month since my m/c and I'm never sure how to answer this: Do I say 2 for my girls Chloe and Caitlyn, Do I say 3 to include my child that I will never see this side of heaven, Do I say 2 and a miscarriage?? While I want to avoid making others uncomfortable, I still want to honor my child.

If/When we get pregnant again, medically it would be our 4th pregnancy and 3rd live birth (if the baby goes to term and is healthy and alive at delivery). So when people ask if it is my first do I just say it is my 4th or my 3rd?

So many things to consider, this is what goes through my head when I hear this question...

Simultaneously Opposite

today i'm simultaneously wanting to immerse myself in the grief and pain our loss so can work through it and heal yet I want to completely run away from it hide in bed all day doing nothing.

I feel like i have to be strong for my kids, putting on a happy face while we make breakfast and sing songs but inside I am hurting, I feel crushed and really low.

Today is one of those days that I wonder how in the world I am going to get through it in one piece. The answer is Jesus but honestly I don't want to reach out for Him right now, even though I know that His strength will get me through. Why is that? It is like not taking medicine that you KNOW will make you feel better.

I am really looking forward to Communion tonight and then a girls night with friends but I may not be able to go due to our car being broken. :-(

Walls

I feel like there are walls starting to be built these last few days. Around my heart, around my mind, around my tears. I want to grieve, I want to cry, I want to remember. I just feel like so much of the time I keep telling myself, not now I have responsibilities, not now it isn't the right time/place, not now I'm not strong enough.

I feel like there are invisible walls between me and my husband, my kids, my friends & family. I so desperately want them to come in but I also understand that they don't know what to say. It's okay to say just that you don't know what to say or even just I'm sorry. I want to say it is okay for me to not be okay. It is okay for me to cry, it is healing and such a release of emotion that it is healthy. Talking about my lost baby is fine, it does help. I understand that it is hard to mourn and grieve for someone who you have no memories with, no face to linger in your mind...it's hard for me too! Although I never saw this baby, he/she was a life, they are forever a piece of our history, although a much smaller piece than we would have liked.

Lord please remove these walls within, in your timing so that I may feel and grieve yet not be overwhelmed with the emotions. Please provide opportunites and moments that are "safe" to let myself cry. Please remove the walls (invisible or not) between others and myself. Thank you for the support and love of my friends during this time. In your name, Amen.

Naming the lost baby

Naming a baby you won’t ever see this side of heaven is very difficult and heart wrenching but for me totally necessary. I believe that life starts at conception and though we never saw even an embryo on any of the ultrasounds, a life had begun which means that a soul was present. I believe that every soul deserves a name.

We are going through the process of trying to figure out a name. We are also hoping that it will help with the grieving process. The name will start with a C, like the rest of our kids, and we are looking for a unisex name although I am leaning towards boys names because i had a feeling that it was a boy, but we'll never know.

I'll post it when we have the name.