Waiting...***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS for those healing from the pain of miscarriage

I received the white baby bracelet last week and have been reading the books on miscarriage that I have. I was so hoping it would help crack open this unintentional wall I have up around my heart. I really need the release to cry it out. I know that if crying wasn't necessary to my grief process that I would have peace about not being able to cry. My tears have come back to a point but only to cry for others not myself. I just thought maybe I should try to look at it from the perspective of Robert or my kids or another family member to see if I am able to start crying out of empathy for their pain. I want to experience healing in this (as well as other) issue. I have tried praying, asking others to pray, reading books, reading movies, snuggling with the blanket Stephanie made for Chilion, writing but still no tears more than the feeling of tears starting to come behind my eyes. It feels like until I cry that I will not be able to experience the healing that I want. Also since we aren't using any form of birth control ever again, we know that it is always a possibility that we will conceive. A recovery group is starting up at my church and I am very fortunate to be one of the first group to go through it. I am hoping that this will be a catalyst to bring about healing in my soul. I fully believe that God will use this situation (as He has used many other situations in my life) to comfort others or even just help them see that they are not alone in their struggle. It is always my hope that by being honest that it will give someone else the courage to be honest as well so they don't have to struggle alone. As God is working in me (as I let Him), I am able to be more vulnerable and more okay with not being okay. I don't need the answers to all of the whys. I still think I need some of those answers but just because I think I need them doesn't mean (1) I actually need them (2) I will ever receive them.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I think that I may be pregnant again. I have been having some symptoms and I am late. I have also begun having cravings, I don't know why but usually when I am pregnant I get cravings as early as 4 or 5 weeks. Sometimes it happens when it is that time of the month. I have been craving mayonnaise and cheese sandwiches which isn't weird for me but every day? Also my husband made me and the girls a pb&banana sandwich and I thought ooh a sweet pickle would be great on that, I ate it and dang it was so good, I had another one! On top of the other symptoms and cravings, I have been VERY dizzy - nearly blacking out multiple times this week. So I went to my PCP (primary care physician) and she sent me for blood work to test my thyroid as well as HCG to see what (if anything) it shows. It has been 26 1/2 hours since my blood work. I have been trying so hard not to think about it but without much luck. The only thing that has helped me take my mind off of it is reading a fiction book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Yesterday the tech at Lab Corp (a wonderful amazing Godly woman who I've seen a lot of over the last year) said that my dr should have the results by tomorrow afternoon (Friday). At 130pm I called to see if they had my results yet but the only HCG result they had was from May earlier this year when I was pregnant. They suggested I call back at 430pm and I asked if they saw the results sooner to please give me a call.

I have mixed feelings about it because we truly want to be pregnant again but at the same time the fears and anxiety are overwhelming. Some of the questions whirling around in my mind:

If I am pregnant...:

• Will this pregnancy progress longer than 7 weeks?
• Will I leave the hospital next year with a healthy baby?
• Should I tell anyone (in addition to Robert) right now or wait until I can't physically hide it?
• Should we tell our kids this time?
• Will we go through the pain of a miscarriage again?
• will there be any issues with the baby?
• how will I/we handle the news?
  
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?
• will I finally be able grieve the loss of our son Chilion?
• will Robert?

If I am not pregnant...:

• Why is my body lying to me?
• is God still enough?
• will I ever become pregnant?
• was Caitlyn the last healthy child I will ever have?
• how will I/we handle the news?
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?

Honestly I wasn't sure I should blog about this waiting because if I am pregnant I'm not sure I want that public yet. However, I need to get this stuff out of my head otherwise these worries, anxieties and other things will continue to swirl around my head. I know that is not what God wants for me.

What I do know is what He says in His word about our anxieties, burdens, and needs:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)

The Greek word for 'cast’ means to throw it away. Throw your pain, your disappointment, your broken dreams, your heart ache on to the Lord for he cares for you. ~Matthew McDonald

As Dr. Michael A Smith says on his blog about Psalm 55:22: "As believers we always want the Lord to detach the burden from our shoulders and give us relief. We want him to take the burden from off us and let us go free, but that is not the promise of this verse. God does not detach the burden from us. He sustains us in bearing the burden. God wants you and your burden. God wants to carry you and your burden."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29 (ESV)

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31 (ESV)

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)

EDIT 10:35pm: I called the dr. office at 4:15pm today but they still had not received my test results. The nurse said that she would have someone pull up the information on the labcorp website. Another nurse or receptionist called me back with the results about 20 min later. She said that my TSH was normal and that all my labs looked great and then she said and of course your pregnancy test is negative. I was thinking, "of course? why of course?" But since I was a little shocked at the way she told me I just said thank you and hung up. The mind is a funny thing, it just started doing somersaults and bringing forth questions such as "well why of course? does she know something I don't? Will I ever get pregnant again?" I then went to a meeting at the church and mentioned that I thought I was pregnant but am not and my friend said it will happen. I smiled and said goodnight. In the car, I thought, "but what if it doesn't? what it is not God's plan for me to have more kids? Is God enough for me or is He only enough for me if He allows me to become pregnant and have healthy kids? Will I be like Job or like his wife who said curse God and die? " I want to be like Job and to have a faith that is so incredibly solid that it can't be moved. But honestly I don't want to have trials in my life to develop that kind of perseverance and steadfastness. I want the fruit just not the pruning. Deep down I do want the pruning because there have been weeds in my life, heart, and soul that have been choking out the only One who is worthy of my praise, Jesus. I know that it is going to get hard and uncomfortable and I say bring it on although with a little trepidation because there is a part of me that is scared that I will stay in that hard and uncomfortable place forever. I have spent most of my life trying to find the shortcut around this out of my fear. However, I know deep in my soul that as long as I focus on Jesus and keep my eyes on Him that He will walk me through the muck and to the other side (freedom from bondage).

2 months already??

I can't believe that 2 months have passed already since my D&C and death of our son Chilion. It seems like just yesterday that I was excited and looking forward to his arrival on Feb. 1st 2010. I woke up this morning feeling very down and just, for lack of a better word, icky.

I was praying about it this morning and the feelings did not go away. I even prayed that I would not be driven by my feelings but rather that God would grant me peace and strength. I posted on my Facebook page that I am having a hard day and to please pray for me. Also if any of my friends wanted to come by that I would be okay with that. (I don't remember exactly what was posted and can't check because we have facebook blocked from 7a-3p. otherwise I'm on it for a large part of the day. I'm so grateful my husband knows computers so well). :-)

Then, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging and suggesting that I do something for someone else to get the focus off of myself. (a little back story) A lady from my morning women's bible study is starting a service project. The project is to make no sew fleece blankets for children at Safe Embrace. Safe Embrace is a battered women's shelter in the Reno Area. (back to my post)
One of the ladies at church donated some fabric yesterday. So I started making a blanket. It was actually very therapeutic for a couple of reasons, (1) I was helping someone else (2) I was doing something active by using my hands (3) I have a heart for children - especially ones in difficult situations.

I am going to continue to help out with this service project. While making (and completing the first blanket) I realized that as part of my healing that perhaps I should make one for my Chilion.

We have named our angel baby...

We have decided on a name for our angel baby. I had the very strong feeling that it was a boy and so his name is Chilion Jeremiah Fuller. Chilion means finished; complete; perfect which we thought was a great way to describe this baby that we will not see this side of heaven.

How to pronounce Chilion

A friend of mine who has also experienced the pain of miscarriage wrote to me that "I grieve for you, at the very thought of the nearness of your loss. But I know this: our little ones are in heaven. God has lovingly spared them the experience of a fallen world. They will never know the grief that you and I are experiencing now. No tear will fall, no trust will be betrayed, no love will be unrequited, no violence will ever befall them. No demonic spirit or unregenerate heart will turn their hearts against God. Their eternity in heaven cannot be altered."

I hadn't thought of it this way before. I honestly bristled when I first read this but then God helped me to see it through His eyes. While I will always miss him, I am grateful that he is in heaven with Jesus for eternity and that he won't experience all the pain and heartache of this world.

Perhaps now that we have named Chilion, we will be able to cry, grieve and move forward - always remembering him but not allowing our grief to overwhelm us or continue to be our identity.

Stalling...but God is still working

I had myself convinced that the reason I haven't really had any movement was because I didn't have books about miscarriage to help me heal and figure it out. However that theory was blown out of the water this week. I now have 2 books and I have been doing pretty much anything but reading the books. Hopefully this weekend when I have some kid free time, I can read and work through it.

What I must remember though is that I need to keep turning to God in all this, He is the one who will ultimately bring healing to my heart, soul, and my empty arms. He may use these books (Grieving the Child I never knew by Kathe Wunnenberg & Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt) to bring about that healing or he may bring about healing in another way. I am so grateful to have this place where I can just be honest with where I'm at even though it isn't all wrapped up nice and neat. I have also appreciated the encouragement and kind words through this blog and on Facebook. I am already starting to see God using my vulnerability and openness about this topic as well as our infertility to touch the lives of other women. Lord please bring healing in my heart and soul as well as in the hearts, souls, and minds of the women and men who are also struggling in miscarriage or infertility. May we all be honest in our feelings (whatever they may be) to you and those around us. Lord may you be enough in my life as well as in the lives of others. amen.

Bitterness and small break throughs

I was realizing the last few days, well really like last week that I haven't blogged in awhile - almost a month. I realized tonight that the reason why is because for the last month I have been in such a dark, difficult place so far from God and totally overwhelmed. I didn't even realize how far away I was until the last few days when God started poking through my walls. And He sure is persistent and so resourceful, it's like He created the universe or something! He used music, friends and sermons to talk to me about other areas in my life that need attention and ultimately to be turned over to Him.

I was at one of my best friend's BBQ yesterday and I was realizing that 7 weeks ago is when I had my D&C. I can't believe it has already been 7 WEEKS!! I feel like I haven't really made any progress in my grieving. Another friend made us a baby blanket and gave us a beautiful statue of a mother holding hands with 2 children. I ordered a baby bracelet today as a token of remembrance. We are still considering names for our baby that we will never meet this side of heaven. I have still not really cried in about 6 weeks. My tears are coming back though, I was able to cry during a testimony to the point where I thought ok this is it here comes the opening of the floodgates again, FINALLY! But then, as quickly as it begun, it finished.

I haven't really been bitter towards pregnant women overall. But I have been with my cousin and a friend from Living Stones. I realized as I was typing this that my friend was less than 6 weeks further along than I was and my cousin is due 3 weeks after I would have been. I had to apologize to my friend tonight because I realized that I was holding bitterness inside. I think that because our due dates were kinda close that it is just a hard reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. She was so sweet, understanding and gracious about it. I am grateful for a community that not only supports one another but also gives mercy and prayer to each other!

I didn't know just how many women were going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage in our community. I knew that it was happening but I had NO idea to what degree until I had my miscarriage. As I share my pain and experience with others, others open up with me. I know that God is going to do something in this community to bring healing and peace as well as support for those going through it, it's just a matter of His timing.

I was serving in the bookstore for both services tonight so during the 2nd service, I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour and just spent time with God in repentance, in total honesty and brokenness, casting my anxieties/cares and then just totally surrendering. Although it was really great and I'm so grateful, I feel like I'm still holding onto something (that I didn't turn over) because I still feel a slight weight on my soul. During my walk, I realized that I AM actually a little bitter at God. As previously mentioned in other posts, God had impressed upon me that He wanted me to be willing to have as many kids as He wanted to bless me with. What I don't understand is that since He knew that I was going to have a miscarriage, why did He ask that of me? Perhaps it was to deepen my reliance on Him and trust in Him. I don't know and I may never know. I feel like I'm in limbo on this right now. All I know is that He asked me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with. We are not using any birth control at all and do not plan to again ever. I have been praying that if it is not His will for us to have any more kids that He would make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are done (a need for a hysterectomy or something else drastic). Or maybe all of this is being used to show me that I'm still not trusting in Him or allowing Him to be all that I need. I just want peace and maybe even a little confirmation one way or another. Although despite what I want, I know that above all He is God, He is sovereign and He is to be praised even when there is "pain in the offering, blessed be Your name".