Seeking understanding but finding little to none

NOTE: THERE IS SPECIFIC TALK ABOUT MY PERIOD IN POST, continue on at own discretion.

I am so confused about what God is doing in my life right now. I know that there is so much that I don't know, that He does, because He is sovereign over all including my little speck of life. I take comfort in what God revealed to me as the reason that I found out I was pregnant with Chilion at only 2 weeks when God knew that I would miscarry at 7 weeks; to increase my dependence on Him.

I am just hurting right now because although I do trust His heart I just cannot make any sense of His timing in my life..or rather what feels like His lack of timing. I know that I have no right to know anything about my life and what God will do in it but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know. I also know that His timing is perfect but I feel like it is imperfect right now. I just don't understand why He would ask me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless me with and then...nothing. Well really not nothing because I was pregnant but then miscarried. There have been at least 2-3 times since then that I have thought that I was pregnant only to find out that I was not.

The most recent was this past week because I have had tender and sore breasts (which is common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy) as well as some pain in my right side which is also common for me both premenstrually and in early pregnancy although usually more so in early pregnancy. I have been VERY tired/fatigued and have HAD to have KFC buffalo wing snackers at least 5 times in the last two or three weeks. My period cycles have changed since the miscarriage to be 34-35 day cycles. And since I was late on my period, I was getting very hopeful but then I took a hpt (home pregnancy test) last sunday (Oct. 4th) but it was negative. I was still hopeful and so I called my dr to get a blood test ordered but then that also came back negative. As I was on the phone with the nurse I asked what the hcg level was on that test thinking that maybe it hadn't been long enough yet but it was only 2. The hcg levels have to be at least 25 to be positive.
Usually after I take a hpt or a blood test and it is negative, I usually get my period the next day or at most 2 days later. It is now Oct. 12th and no period, I still have sore breasts, pain in my side, and exhaustion. What the heck is going on?!? I have an appointment with my Dr in 2 weeks but that feels like forever away.

I found out today that someone is pregnant and it was very thoughtful of her to tell me before it became common knowledge. I am very happy for them yet I have been crying a lot since then. I don't know why but I felt a nudge inside saying that I should take a pregnancy test this afternoon which made NO sense to me whatsoever but wanting to be obedient to the Spirit, I did it. It was of course negative but it confused me even more. Was it a test of my faith? of my obedience even when I don't understand? was it Satan disguising himself as the Holy Spirit - - is that even possible??

There is apparently something in the water yet again resulting in lots of pregnant women in Reno/Sparks but it must be in a different water supply than the one I'm drinking. I'm not bitter towards all of the expecting women that I know. I do feel like I'm starting to get bitter towards God because I don't understand why I'm not getting pregnant. We have been officially trying since January and unofficially since about last July. I try not to think about it but it is on my mind all day every day no matter what I do to prevent the obsession. I know that I will only get pregnant if it is God's Will and only in His timing. I am trying so hard to be satisfied with the children that I have and not desire any more but it is incredibly hard. I haven't had any indication from God that our family is complete. Also, why would God ask me to be willing to have more kids if He knew He wasn't going to bless me with more kids...He is a good God not cruel. God knows me better than anyone because He created me and because of that He knows my mind and heart as well as my body. Yet knowing that, why does He allow me to think that I'm pregnant even when I'm not. I don't want this to be the focus of my life or my thoughts but I don't know how to change it. For example, I am in a friends wedding next year and I am not sure whether to plan for the possibility of being pregnant by proactively asking tonight while trying on dresses whether the style comes in maternity, whether to hold off ordering till it gets closer, or whether to not even consider it as a possibility and deal with it if it happens. We also still have most of the girls clothes and other baby gear because we are planning on having more kids but should we just start getting rid of it and take it off the table as a possibility by taking permanent measures of either a hysterectomy or a vasectomy? My heart and my emotions just feel so hurt and broken each month and I don't know how much more disappointment/frustration in this area that I can take. It just hurts so much. I have been trying to trust it to God and perhaps I am too much of a control freak to truly give the trust of my whole life over to God.

Through all this, Satan has certainly been having a field day with me and although I KNOW that they are lies it doesn't stop them from hurting me. Some of the lies I have been hearing from Satan,

you are not pregnant because....

• you are a bad mom and don't even deserve the kids you have
• you can't handle having more kids
• you can't even handle Chloe and Caitlyn
• God is not good and He doesn't want to bless you
• God is mad at you and is punishing you
• the other women who are pregnant are better than you
  
• you are not good enough
• the other women who are pregnant are closer to God and He loves them more
• you are too overweight

Again I KNOW that these are lies and that Satan loves to distort the truth and do/say anything to cause me to doubt God, and there are days that it works.

I think that I am having a harder time with all of this as I get older because my mom had a hysterectomy for fibroid tumors when she was 37 and my older half sister had a hysterectomy when she was only 33 due to cysts (she also had PCOS just like me). I just turned 30 and I have felt that I have a window that is quickly closing due to the family history. I know that I am not my mom or my older half sister and that just because they both had a hysterectomy doesn't mean that I will but it does increase the chances.

Lord, please help me to trust in you, your plan, your timing. Lord please show me how to focus on you and put little to no importance on this desire that is so deep in my heart and soul to have more children. May I be satisfied completely in you and be grateful for the blessings you have given me rather than being bitter about the blessings that I want but have not received. You are sovereign and I know that I have no right to ask you for any blessings. My only right is to go to hell for all my sin but you gave your son to pay for my sin so that I don't have to go to hell. Please show me why that isn't enough for me and why I desire and even think I deserve anything more than that. Thank you for the tears that have finally been released. Lord if it is your will, please bring peace to my heart, mind, and soul. Amen.

Confusing Release

I have frequently mentioned that I have had a hard time crying over the loss of our baby Chilion. Well tonight I was able to release some well needed and cleansing tears.

I was at Winco getting some fruit and some chicken (that just looked too good not to get) for small group dinner. My eyes turned to the magazine racks and I saw, Patrick Swayze's final days. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. I even said out loud to the people ahead of me in line, Patrick Swayze is dead??

I was in total shock and started feeling overwhelming emotion, specifically sadness, come over me. I had just barely made it out of the store when the tears started, slowly at first but by the time I was behind the driver's seat they were rushing out.

I was very confused about my reaction to the news of his death because I didn't know him. I liked his movies and I had watched several with my mom but beyond that I had no connection to him. I didn't understand why I was crying over this actor that I had never met but was not able to shed the tears for Chilion even though I knew I desperately needed to release those tears.

I called my husband to tell him what was going on with me and ask him to pray for me. I was crying so much I could hardly see through my tears (which is not so great if driving). I don't remember what he said but I think he said that he thought it could be normal. After we ended our call, I immediately called my friend Beth who used to be a counselor and asked her while crying my eyes out - those chest heaving sobs that take my breath away. She said it IS normal because sometimes in our grief we get so focused on the object of our grief (for me the loss of Chilion) that our emotions get locked up and are not able to release. Then later a seemingly innocuous thing happens (for me the death of Patrick Swayze), and we find ourselves reacting because it gives us an outlet for our grief.

I cried with her on the phone all the way to my friend's house to pick her up for bible study. Then as I was exiting the freeway I said to Beth of course this is happening now as I go to this new bible study where I'm just starting to get to know these women (who sidenote are amazing). Right then my tears stopped, why do I still care so much about how I'm perceived by others? I have always been vulnerable with others, putting myself out there. So why am I having such difficulty with letting other people seeing me cry?

Well I do feel a little lighter having had that slight release. Beth warned me that this may happen more often and that it is okay and totally normal. I am learning that just as everyone goes through grief differently, it is also possible for each loss/grief process to be different. After my mom died, even seeing the old Apple logo would make me cry (she worked at Apple for most of my life) but the triggers were all understandable. With this loss of Chilion, the things I expect to make me cry don't and the things I don't expect do.

Lord please help me to let go of any control I am trying to have over my grief process and please allow it to come naturally even when it feels like the timing is inconvenient. Father God please give me discernment about when and how to share, not only this grief but all areas of my life, and with whom. Please continue to show me your purposes in all of this pain, hurt and struggle. May I suffer well and grow closer to you in my suffering and not allow this to pull me from you or others. In your name, Amen.

Ah bitterness, I thought you were gone

Disclaimer (specifically to family) First let me say that I do not think my feelings were right but they are still my feelings and since I said I would be open and honest this is part of it. I thought that I had turned a corner in this area, that I would no longer be bitter about the happy pregnancies of those around me. Well on 9/5 I received an email from my aunt and uncle about the pregnancy of my cousin. They had just found out that she is having a boy and due possibly on Valentines Day. I was irritated with my aunt and uncle for not being sensitive to the fact that I had just had a miscarriage and that I was due Feb. 1st. I sent them an email saying, "Please do not keep me updated with this pregnancy. It is way too hard on me since my miscarriage and D & C on 6/20. My baby was due on February 1st. I'm not trying to be rude I just can't hear about this right now. Thank you in advance for understanding."

I was feeling angry and bitter more at the situation than at my cousin and her parents (my aunt and uncle). Why did her pregnancy get to continue? Why not mine? God, why are you allowing my cousin to have her 3rd baby due just 2 weeks after my 3rd was due?

I had (several weeks ago) hid her status updates from my newsfeed on facebook because it was too hard to see all the pregnancy updates especially when I saw that she was complaining about the morning sickness and the other stuff that comes with pregnancy. I am the first to admit that this was not fair of me because I know that I have also complained about my pregnancy symptoms rather than be grateful that I was having symptoms and that it was ultimately a joyous thing that meant life was being knitted together within me. I wonder if this experience will change the way I view future pregnancies (if it is God's will for us to have more) or whether I will also fall back into complaining about the stuff that comes from pregnancy.

I looked on her page and saw that the name that they are considering for their son is Cullen which sounds very similar to Chilion. I found myself getting very irritated but then I realized a few things, (1)We have both been naming our children with names that start with C (2). I don't think she knew that Chilion was the name that we chose for our baby especially since we only posted it on this blog.

Later that afternoon, I walked up the stairs and looked up at our children picture wall. I noticed that Caitlyn's 1st year frame is still empty although she will be 2 in November. I then had the realization that we will never have pictures of Chilion to put in any frame. Well I do have the 2 ultrasound pictures but we will never see his hair or eye color, his little fingers or toes or anything else. We won't even see his personality. We will know nothing more of him this side of heaven and that saddens me. However I need to remember that I will see him again in heaven someday and that our time on this Earth is simply a blip in relation to eternity.

Although I know that God has authority over ALL things and that He is good and loving, I don't like the way He is achieving His purposes through my miscarriage. Wow, I didn't realize that I felt that way until hearing Harvey's sermon this morning, Why does God allow suffering? Which in reality, my not liking the way way God is involved in the details of my life is very arrogant of me because who am I to question God's ways? I believe that He understands that we have questions because our human minds cannot wrap themselves around so many things that are the ways of God. Yet it was humbling to hear Harvey say that God doesn't owe me an answer. Yes, he was talking to the whole congregation but God used that truth to pierce through the walls that I have built and pierced straight into my heart. Wow. Perhaps one of the purposes that He is accomplishing through all this is to make me more aware of His power, strength, sovereignty and other character traits. Perhaps it is so my wrestlings can draw others closer to God even in the midst of their struggles. Perhaps it is even to take me off the throne and rightfully put God back in that place of honor. I don't know and I may never know but I do know that God is good and loving and that His heart breaks for me during this time even though He can already see how this situation and everything else in my life will turn out.

Harvey also said earlier today that "God through suffering brings healing and redemption." I have found this to be true even today. During the sermon, there was a specific part where God put someone strongly on my heart and kept them there for the rest of the service. I went up to them afterwards and took the time to pull them aside, talk to them and pray with them. I felt the power of the Holy Spirit within me and fully in that moment. I still do not remember what I said or what words I prayed. We were both crying and Lord I thank you for that moment and that reminder that you are TRULY in all the details and that you put people in our paths so that we remember that we are not alone in our journey and that you will always give us what we need when we need it. It is truly amazing to me how you have so masterfully woven the lives (whether for a season or for longer) of your children together. I have found this to especially be true in the Living Stones community. There is a scripture in the bible where it talks about how God ordained the time and boundaries within we should live. I have definitely found this to be so true and I am grateful for the friends and acquaintances that God has placed in my path at just the right time.

They call it a process for a reason

My husband suggested last night that I may be trying to control my grief to happen on my terms rather than allowing it to happen naturally. He also said that he thought that this could be why I haven't been able to grieve, why I've been feeling emotionally blocked. At first I just blew off his comment but then as I was thinking about it, I realized it was possible that he was right. I HAVE been trying to "get er' done" wanting to work through it so that I could move on (never forgetting but not staying in the fog). I have tried to control when the tears can come, who they come out around, my emotions as a whole. But really not realizing that it is all out of my control. IT should have been evident that it was out of my control when the lashing out at my husband and friends begun or even when they gently brought it up out of concern for me. But nope, I was determined to control my grief process and timing.

It wasn't until later after recovery group that I realized that Step One totally applied here in the details of my life. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. My need to control my grief had not only become the latest manifestation of my addiction to control but also has become compulsive in that I don't know how NOT to try to control. They call it a grief process for a reason. It takes time, it doesn't happen all at once, no matter how much we want it to be that way.

I also need to trust God's truth, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

It doesn't say, in my timing. It doesn't say the way I think it should go. It doesn't give a time table or even a time limit for when all things will work together for good.

Lord I surrender my desire to control my grief (and other areas of my life and the lives of others). I trust that your way is the best way and that healing will come. May I continue to trust your heart and your character even when I have no clue what you are doing or what purposes you will accomplish. In your name, Amen.

Medical Jargon lameness

MAY BE CONSIDERED MEDICALLY GRAPHIC TO SOME - USE DISCRETION: I was paying the bills recently for my D & C from June. I found out that they had test results concerning my miscarriage. I immediately requested the records only to discover upon receiving them that the medical community does not refer to a miscarriage as a miscarriage. On my test results it said missed abortion. It also refers to my baby Chilion, who had a soul and was as much an image bearer or God as anyone walking around on this Earth, as products of conception. Those cells were a part of his body that God was knitting together in my womb. I really wish that the medical community would reconsider how they deal with this topic of miscarriage as not just a medical occurrence that affects a woman physically but also as an emotional, mental and spiritual loss for the woman, her spouse/significant other and their friends and families. Or at the very least put it in a different category than abortions. Actually after seeing the below info online I think it was considered an incomplete abortion.
I just looked up missed abortion online and came across this info on https://www.google.com/health/ref/Miscarriage :
"A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)

A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.

Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:

• Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
• Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
• Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
• Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
• Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

While I do believe that every life/every pregnancy is a child with a soul even at the moment just after conception, I do not condemn those who have chosen to have abortions. That is not for me to do. God has definitely grown me in this area because I have had a hard time showing compassion for those who have had abortions especially since we have had problems with fertility as do many others. But God has shown me that it is a sin just like all sin that was paid for with the sacrifice of Jesus once and for all on the cross. There is no sin that is greater than another because ALL sin separates us from God. Only Jesus can blot out and cover over our sin.

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Waiting...***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS for those healing from the pain of miscarriage

I received the white baby bracelet last week and have been reading the books on miscarriage that I have. I was so hoping it would help crack open this unintentional wall I have up around my heart. I really need the release to cry it out. I know that if crying wasn't necessary to my grief process that I would have peace about not being able to cry. My tears have come back to a point but only to cry for others not myself. I just thought maybe I should try to look at it from the perspective of Robert or my kids or another family member to see if I am able to start crying out of empathy for their pain. I want to experience healing in this (as well as other) issue. I have tried praying, asking others to pray, reading books, reading movies, snuggling with the blanket Stephanie made for Chilion, writing but still no tears more than the feeling of tears starting to come behind my eyes. It feels like until I cry that I will not be able to experience the healing that I want. Also since we aren't using any form of birth control ever again, we know that it is always a possibility that we will conceive. A recovery group is starting up at my church and I am very fortunate to be one of the first group to go through it. I am hoping that this will be a catalyst to bring about healing in my soul. I fully believe that God will use this situation (as He has used many other situations in my life) to comfort others or even just help them see that they are not alone in their struggle. It is always my hope that by being honest that it will give someone else the courage to be honest as well so they don't have to struggle alone. As God is working in me (as I let Him), I am able to be more vulnerable and more okay with not being okay. I don't need the answers to all of the whys. I still think I need some of those answers but just because I think I need them doesn't mean (1) I actually need them (2) I will ever receive them.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I think that I may be pregnant again. I have been having some symptoms and I am late. I have also begun having cravings, I don't know why but usually when I am pregnant I get cravings as early as 4 or 5 weeks. Sometimes it happens when it is that time of the month. I have been craving mayonnaise and cheese sandwiches which isn't weird for me but every day? Also my husband made me and the girls a pb&banana sandwich and I thought ooh a sweet pickle would be great on that, I ate it and dang it was so good, I had another one! On top of the other symptoms and cravings, I have been VERY dizzy - nearly blacking out multiple times this week. So I went to my PCP (primary care physician) and she sent me for blood work to test my thyroid as well as HCG to see what (if anything) it shows. It has been 26 1/2 hours since my blood work. I have been trying so hard not to think about it but without much luck. The only thing that has helped me take my mind off of it is reading a fiction book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Yesterday the tech at Lab Corp (a wonderful amazing Godly woman who I've seen a lot of over the last year) said that my dr should have the results by tomorrow afternoon (Friday). At 130pm I called to see if they had my results yet but the only HCG result they had was from May earlier this year when I was pregnant. They suggested I call back at 430pm and I asked if they saw the results sooner to please give me a call.

I have mixed feelings about it because we truly want to be pregnant again but at the same time the fears and anxiety are overwhelming. Some of the questions whirling around in my mind:

If I am pregnant...:

• Will this pregnancy progress longer than 7 weeks?
• Will I leave the hospital next year with a healthy baby?
• Should I tell anyone (in addition to Robert) right now or wait until I can't physically hide it?
• Should we tell our kids this time?
• Will we go through the pain of a miscarriage again?
• will there be any issues with the baby?
• how will I/we handle the news?
  
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?
• will I finally be able grieve the loss of our son Chilion?
• will Robert?

If I am not pregnant...:

• Why is my body lying to me?
• is God still enough?
• will I ever become pregnant?
• was Caitlyn the last healthy child I will ever have?
• how will I/we handle the news?
• will I trust God in His character and goodness no matter the outcome?

Honestly I wasn't sure I should blog about this waiting because if I am pregnant I'm not sure I want that public yet. However, I need to get this stuff out of my head otherwise these worries, anxieties and other things will continue to swirl around my head. I know that is not what God wants for me.

What I do know is what He says in His word about our anxieties, burdens, and needs:

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)

The Greek word for 'cast’ means to throw it away. Throw your pain, your disappointment, your broken dreams, your heart ache on to the Lord for he cares for you. ~Matthew McDonald

As Dr. Michael A Smith says on his blog about Psalm 55:22: "As believers we always want the Lord to detach the burden from our shoulders and give us relief. We want him to take the burden from off us and let us go free, but that is not the promise of this verse. God does not detach the burden from us. He sustains us in bearing the burden. God wants you and your burden. God wants to carry you and your burden."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29 (ESV)

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31 (ESV)

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)

EDIT 10:35pm: I called the dr. office at 4:15pm today but they still had not received my test results. The nurse said that she would have someone pull up the information on the labcorp website. Another nurse or receptionist called me back with the results about 20 min later. She said that my TSH was normal and that all my labs looked great and then she said and of course your pregnancy test is negative. I was thinking, "of course? why of course?" But since I was a little shocked at the way she told me I just said thank you and hung up. The mind is a funny thing, it just started doing somersaults and bringing forth questions such as "well why of course? does she know something I don't? Will I ever get pregnant again?" I then went to a meeting at the church and mentioned that I thought I was pregnant but am not and my friend said it will happen. I smiled and said goodnight. In the car, I thought, "but what if it doesn't? what it is not God's plan for me to have more kids? Is God enough for me or is He only enough for me if He allows me to become pregnant and have healthy kids? Will I be like Job or like his wife who said curse God and die? " I want to be like Job and to have a faith that is so incredibly solid that it can't be moved. But honestly I don't want to have trials in my life to develop that kind of perseverance and steadfastness. I want the fruit just not the pruning. Deep down I do want the pruning because there have been weeds in my life, heart, and soul that have been choking out the only One who is worthy of my praise, Jesus. I know that it is going to get hard and uncomfortable and I say bring it on although with a little trepidation because there is a part of me that is scared that I will stay in that hard and uncomfortable place forever. I have spent most of my life trying to find the shortcut around this out of my fear. However, I know deep in my soul that as long as I focus on Jesus and keep my eyes on Him that He will walk me through the muck and to the other side (freedom from bondage).

2 months already??

I can't believe that 2 months have passed already since my D&C and death of our son Chilion. It seems like just yesterday that I was excited and looking forward to his arrival on Feb. 1st 2010. I woke up this morning feeling very down and just, for lack of a better word, icky.

I was praying about it this morning and the feelings did not go away. I even prayed that I would not be driven by my feelings but rather that God would grant me peace and strength. I posted on my Facebook page that I am having a hard day and to please pray for me. Also if any of my friends wanted to come by that I would be okay with that. (I don't remember exactly what was posted and can't check because we have facebook blocked from 7a-3p. otherwise I'm on it for a large part of the day. I'm so grateful my husband knows computers so well). :-)

Then, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging and suggesting that I do something for someone else to get the focus off of myself. (a little back story) A lady from my morning women's bible study is starting a service project. The project is to make no sew fleece blankets for children at Safe Embrace. Safe Embrace is a battered women's shelter in the Reno Area. (back to my post)
One of the ladies at church donated some fabric yesterday. So I started making a blanket. It was actually very therapeutic for a couple of reasons, (1) I was helping someone else (2) I was doing something active by using my hands (3) I have a heart for children - especially ones in difficult situations.

I am going to continue to help out with this service project. While making (and completing the first blanket) I realized that as part of my healing that perhaps I should make one for my Chilion.

We have named our angel baby...

We have decided on a name for our angel baby. I had the very strong feeling that it was a boy and so his name is Chilion Jeremiah Fuller. Chilion means finished; complete; perfect which we thought was a great way to describe this baby that we will not see this side of heaven.

How to pronounce Chilion

A friend of mine who has also experienced the pain of miscarriage wrote to me that "I grieve for you, at the very thought of the nearness of your loss. But I know this: our little ones are in heaven. God has lovingly spared them the experience of a fallen world. They will never know the grief that you and I are experiencing now. No tear will fall, no trust will be betrayed, no love will be unrequited, no violence will ever befall them. No demonic spirit or unregenerate heart will turn their hearts against God. Their eternity in heaven cannot be altered."

I hadn't thought of it this way before. I honestly bristled when I first read this but then God helped me to see it through His eyes. While I will always miss him, I am grateful that he is in heaven with Jesus for eternity and that he won't experience all the pain and heartache of this world.

Perhaps now that we have named Chilion, we will be able to cry, grieve and move forward - always remembering him but not allowing our grief to overwhelm us or continue to be our identity.

Stalling...but God is still working

I had myself convinced that the reason I haven't really had any movement was because I didn't have books about miscarriage to help me heal and figure it out. However that theory was blown out of the water this week. I now have 2 books and I have been doing pretty much anything but reading the books. Hopefully this weekend when I have some kid free time, I can read and work through it.

What I must remember though is that I need to keep turning to God in all this, He is the one who will ultimately bring healing to my heart, soul, and my empty arms. He may use these books (Grieving the Child I never knew by Kathe Wunnenberg & Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt) to bring about that healing or he may bring about healing in another way. I am so grateful to have this place where I can just be honest with where I'm at even though it isn't all wrapped up nice and neat. I have also appreciated the encouragement and kind words through this blog and on Facebook. I am already starting to see God using my vulnerability and openness about this topic as well as our infertility to touch the lives of other women. Lord please bring healing in my heart and soul as well as in the hearts, souls, and minds of the women and men who are also struggling in miscarriage or infertility. May we all be honest in our feelings (whatever they may be) to you and those around us. Lord may you be enough in my life as well as in the lives of others. amen.

Bitterness and small break throughs

I was realizing the last few days, well really like last week that I haven't blogged in awhile - almost a month. I realized tonight that the reason why is because for the last month I have been in such a dark, difficult place so far from God and totally overwhelmed. I didn't even realize how far away I was until the last few days when God started poking through my walls. And He sure is persistent and so resourceful, it's like He created the universe or something! He used music, friends and sermons to talk to me about other areas in my life that need attention and ultimately to be turned over to Him.

I was at one of my best friend's BBQ yesterday and I was realizing that 7 weeks ago is when I had my D&C. I can't believe it has already been 7 WEEKS!! I feel like I haven't really made any progress in my grieving. Another friend made us a baby blanket and gave us a beautiful statue of a mother holding hands with 2 children. I ordered a baby bracelet today as a token of remembrance. We are still considering names for our baby that we will never meet this side of heaven. I have still not really cried in about 6 weeks. My tears are coming back though, I was able to cry during a testimony to the point where I thought ok this is it here comes the opening of the floodgates again, FINALLY! But then, as quickly as it begun, it finished.

I haven't really been bitter towards pregnant women overall. But I have been with my cousin and a friend from Living Stones. I realized as I was typing this that my friend was less than 6 weeks further along than I was and my cousin is due 3 weeks after I would have been. I had to apologize to my friend tonight because I realized that I was holding bitterness inside. I think that because our due dates were kinda close that it is just a hard reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. She was so sweet, understanding and gracious about it. I am grateful for a community that not only supports one another but also gives mercy and prayer to each other!

I didn't know just how many women were going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage in our community. I knew that it was happening but I had NO idea to what degree until I had my miscarriage. As I share my pain and experience with others, others open up with me. I know that God is going to do something in this community to bring healing and peace as well as support for those going through it, it's just a matter of His timing.

I was serving in the bookstore for both services tonight so during the 2nd service, I went for a walk around the neighborhood for about an hour and just spent time with God in repentance, in total honesty and brokenness, casting my anxieties/cares and then just totally surrendering. Although it was really great and I'm so grateful, I feel like I'm still holding onto something (that I didn't turn over) because I still feel a slight weight on my soul. During my walk, I realized that I AM actually a little bitter at God. As previously mentioned in other posts, God had impressed upon me that He wanted me to be willing to have as many kids as He wanted to bless me with. What I don't understand is that since He knew that I was going to have a miscarriage, why did He ask that of me? Perhaps it was to deepen my reliance on Him and trust in Him. I don't know and I may never know. I feel like I'm in limbo on this right now. All I know is that He asked me to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with. We are not using any birth control at all and do not plan to again ever. I have been praying that if it is not His will for us to have any more kids that He would make it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are done (a need for a hysterectomy or something else drastic). Or maybe all of this is being used to show me that I'm still not trusting in Him or allowing Him to be all that I need. I just want peace and maybe even a little confirmation one way or another. Although despite what I want, I know that above all He is God, He is sovereign and He is to be praised even when there is "pain in the offering, blessed be Your name".

Stagnant or part of the process?

I feel like I have become stagnant in my healing because I can't cry. Not only can I not cry, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my chest (heart) and my mind. I don't have peace about it at all. I am a pretty emotional woman. I cry at commercials, when friends get engaged, friends get pregnant, movies and even cartoons. Why are only a few tears escaping my eyes? I feel all bottled up and that is not healthy. Lord please help me cry even if it is at an inopportune time!

I am going to get a baby bracelet from the bookstore at church as a token to remember/grieve for my lost baby (still to be named). I also asked a friend who makes baby blankets to make one for us. Another friend who has also gone through the heartache of miscarriage is going to lend me some books to help me with the grieving.

I was starting to plan out this school year (ie the number of weeks) to homeschool my preschoolish aged girls and I got to February 1st (my estimated due date) and I just stopped and felt like it was hard to breathe all of a sudden but no tears.

I had a picnic potluck with some other women bible studies this past Monday and I met someone who had just experienced her 2nd m/c. She was surprised to hear that although it has been less than a month that I am not angry at God for my m/c. She asked me how I got rid of my anger and I told her that I never was angry at God for my m/c. I don't think that lack of anger is common in women who have experienced this type of loss. When my mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago, I was VERY angry with God although I didn't believe in Him or follow Him yet. I was only able to let go of that anger within the last couple of years.

I've heard that every loss is different and now I truly know that to be true because my loss and grieving process have been very different for my mom and for my lost baby.

How many Kids do you have?

This is a seemingly innocuous question to most but to someone that has had a miscarriage, it is excruciating. I have been asked this a lot in the last month since my m/c and I'm never sure how to answer this: Do I say 2 for my girls Chloe and Caitlyn, Do I say 3 to include my child that I will never see this side of heaven, Do I say 2 and a miscarriage?? While I want to avoid making others uncomfortable, I still want to honor my child.

If/When we get pregnant again, medically it would be our 4th pregnancy and 3rd live birth (if the baby goes to term and is healthy and alive at delivery). So when people ask if it is my first do I just say it is my 4th or my 3rd?

So many things to consider, this is what goes through my head when I hear this question...

Simultaneously Opposite

today i'm simultaneously wanting to immerse myself in the grief and pain our loss so can work through it and heal yet I want to completely run away from it hide in bed all day doing nothing.

I feel like i have to be strong for my kids, putting on a happy face while we make breakfast and sing songs but inside I am hurting, I feel crushed and really low.

Today is one of those days that I wonder how in the world I am going to get through it in one piece. The answer is Jesus but honestly I don't want to reach out for Him right now, even though I know that His strength will get me through. Why is that? It is like not taking medicine that you KNOW will make you feel better.

I am really looking forward to Communion tonight and then a girls night with friends but I may not be able to go due to our car being broken. :-(

Walls

I feel like there are walls starting to be built these last few days. Around my heart, around my mind, around my tears. I want to grieve, I want to cry, I want to remember. I just feel like so much of the time I keep telling myself, not now I have responsibilities, not now it isn't the right time/place, not now I'm not strong enough.

I feel like there are invisible walls between me and my husband, my kids, my friends & family. I so desperately want them to come in but I also understand that they don't know what to say. It's okay to say just that you don't know what to say or even just I'm sorry. I want to say it is okay for me to not be okay. It is okay for me to cry, it is healing and such a release of emotion that it is healthy. Talking about my lost baby is fine, it does help. I understand that it is hard to mourn and grieve for someone who you have no memories with, no face to linger in your mind...it's hard for me too! Although I never saw this baby, he/she was a life, they are forever a piece of our history, although a much smaller piece than we would have liked.

Lord please remove these walls within, in your timing so that I may feel and grieve yet not be overwhelmed with the emotions. Please provide opportunites and moments that are "safe" to let myself cry. Please remove the walls (invisible or not) between others and myself. Thank you for the support and love of my friends during this time. In your name, Amen.

Naming the lost baby

Naming a baby you won’t ever see this side of heaven is very difficult and heart wrenching but for me totally necessary. I believe that life starts at conception and though we never saw even an embryo on any of the ultrasounds, a life had begun which means that a soul was present. I believe that every soul deserves a name.

We are going through the process of trying to figure out a name. We are also hoping that it will help with the grieving process. The name will start with a C, like the rest of our kids, and we are looking for a unisex name although I am leaning towards boys names because i had a feeling that it was a boy, but we'll never know.

I'll post it when we have the name.

Healing...When will the actual process start? - moved from family blog

"We're sorry! A permanent error has occurred while fulfilling your request. Please try again later."

I feel like this is the message (see above in italics) I received when we found out last Thursday that the pregnancy had stopped progressing and that miscarriage would happen.

I know that there are varying opinions about when "life" and being a person begins. I believe that it starts at the moment of conception. Any pregnancy loss whether 2 days or 39 weeks is a loss of a person..A loss of the present but also the loss of their future, who they would become, what they would do, the love that they would share with others. I will never be able to hold this child, give them hugs and kisses, or even see them. We had already to begun to bond with the baby and so had the girls. They would give the baby kisses and hugs at least 2 or 3 times a day. Chloe would sing our good morning song (or rather my mom's good morning song that she used to sing to us) to the baby every day with excitement. We told Chloe and Caitlyn that mommy's baby had died and was up in heaven with Jesus. Death is a very difficult and abstract idea for a 2 year old just like the idea of a baby that you can't see. She has been asking every day at random times, where's mommy's baby? Then I take a breath and explain it again that mommy's baby is all gone and has gone away. We have decided that we will name our angel baby but we haven't decided what that name will be.
Since thursday, I just feel like I'm in a daze, life is going on around me. I'm more than 75% better physically from the D&C on Saturday but I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface emotionally and mentally. I am a fairly emotional person (some would say over-emotional), Yet I have not been able to cry at all.. Perhaps I'm still in shock or maybe even denial. Perhaps it is God's peace washing over me, yet I don't feel peaceful. While I don't blame God in any way, I'm having a hard time figuring out why I'm not really feeling anything. I feel kind of down but that could also be tiredness. I've been reading lots of stuff online about miscarriage and many of the women who are grieving just cry all the time. That is how I began grieving whem my mom died, I cried for nearly a week straight. Am I not strong enough to handle it emotionally right now? I'm not sure...I've even tried reading some online books about miscarriage and have looked up movies that have miscarriage in them to see if that can help me get these tears out that so desperately want to escape my eyes and my heart. We are planning on trying again within the next few months (as soon as my dr says it is safe). However, I want to make sure that I have at least begun the healing process for this child.

I came across a poem about miscarriage that I could really relate with..

Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
…existed.

Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
…were real

Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
" You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

By Jan Cosby

Miscarriage/ D&C

WARNING:THIS POST INCLUDES DETAILED MEDICAL INFORMATION THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED GRAPHIC TO SOME.

Monday, June 15th I started having spotting and some light spotting. I called the dr and the nurse called me right back and sent me in to get an hcg level. It had dipped down to 12000 which was clearly the wrong way. The day before my ultrasound, I started passing blood clots. Small ones but I still knew it wasn’t good. I was pretty sure that it was over. I called the dr and they said to keep my ultrasound appointment and if I soaked more than 1 pad in an hour to go to the ER. The next day June 18, 2009 at my follow up ultrasound, not only was there still not an embryo but the yolk sac had gone away. The gestational sac was still there but was only measuring 6w and some odd days rather than measuring 7wks 3 days as it should have been. That was it, it was confirmed that the pregnancy would not continue. We talked to the nurse (the dr was post call and wasn’t there) and she said that they wanted to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally because they didn’t want to do a D&C if they could avoid it as it is a surgical procedure. She told me to go in for yet another hcg level that Saturday to make sure that it was decreasing and then if I hadn’t had a large amount of bleeding by Monday to call and then get another hcg on Monday. My level that Saturday was 2000 so it was definitely going down. While I was waiting at the lab, I ended up getting into a conversation with a guy who was a Christian. I didn’t tell him that I was in the process of a miscarriage only that I was going through a very hard time. As we were both getting ready to leave he said that God told him to pray for me and also that God loved me unconditionally and has a plan for what I’m going through. Wow, Thank you Jesus for that encouragement!
Later that day, I went to a friend’s daughters 1 year birthday party. I did fine being around all the pregnant women (I think there were 5 or 6) until someone suggested that a picture be taken of all the baby bumps. That hurt so I found a corner, let myself cry for a minute and then turned my focus back on the celebration. I was having fun just talking and watching my little girls “serve” food to other people – they have such giving and thoughtful hearts. I had some mild cramping which started to increase in intensity so I asked the host for some Tylenol. About an hour later (during gifts being opened), my pain had greatly increased to the point where I needed to at least sit if not lay down. I asked someone to watch my kids so I could lay down. I was trying to lay down without letting the majority of people (who didn’t know I was pregnant much less miscarrying) know what was going on because I didn’t want to take the focus off of the birthday girl. I was grateful that some people knew what was going on, so I could talk to them about it. I went to the bathroom and I had started bleeding heavily. It came on so suddenly that I didn’t have an extra pad with me, and the women I asked didn’t have one either. After another trip to the bathroom with the same result, the pain became so bad that I was doubled over in pain, white and clammy– still trying not to let the majority of people know what was going on. My friend Sara asked if I wanted her to call my husband to come pick me up but we only have one car and I was driving it. She offered to drive me and the kids home in my car. I thought that I could make it myself and I was trying not to be a burden. I started to get my stuff together when the pain became even worse. I found my friend Alicia and just lay down with my head on her lap, she stroked my hair as a comfort to me. I asked her if she would be willing to drive me and the girls home because the pain had gotten a lot worse. It is easier for me to ask for help with people I know well. Sara, Alicia and some other friends helped to gather my stuff and the kids and helped us to the car. She drove us home while I called Robert to let him know what was going on. Alicia went and bought me some Thermacare heat pads to help with the severe cramping. I laid down immediately, the pain continued to get even worse and started to feel like labor pains/contractions. At about 330p I called the on call nurse and told her what was going on, the pain was starting to be so bad I was crying. She told me to get to the ER. We didn’t really want to go because we were sure that we would have a very long wait and then they would just tell me that I was having a miscarriage (which we already knew) and to go home to allow it to happen. Plus the girls were napping and we didn’t want to take them with us since we didn’t know how long we would be gone. I started calling friends to come over to watch the girls but being a Saturday many people were away from their phones or traveling. I really wished that family lived closer so that I could call them. At this point, I told Robert that I could just drive myself and he said absolutely not, you are having trouble walking from our bed to the bathroom, you are in no shape to drive and you are not going by yourself! It took me 14 calls (it was a Saturday during wedding season!) but then I found a friend who had watched the girls recently which I thought was extra good because it was already going to be weird for the girls to wake up and not have mommy and daddy home.

We went to the ER and was convinced that we would be there for hours before we were even seen. Luckily it wasn't that busy and they were able to get me in within 15 minutes. I had my blood drawn so they could test my Hcg levels again. Then they took me right back to be seen. A doctor examined me and saw that there was blood clots and tissue stuck on/right near my cervix which is what was causing me so much pain. She tried to remove it (without pain meds-ARGH) but my cervix was too tender. She called the dr on call. While we were waiting, the nurse tried to put an iv in. she either really missed or my vein was too difficult to get, but it HURT. She ended up putting a children's iv line into my hand. But then she gave me pain meds so then it didn't hurt as much. The dr. came in and didn't examine me but told me that she was going to do a d&c and that I would need to stay overnight for observation. Here is a link for more info about a D&C http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html They had me fill out the paperwork and then they pretty much took me to surgery. The anesthesiologist was trying to figure out which way to sedate me and was uncomfortable with the fact that I had eaten 24 skittles less than 4 hours prior. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. Robert went home to take care of the kids and to bring them and some stuff for me back to the hospital. I left the following morning and went straight to church as it was Sunday morning.

Throughout the 5 weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I sent out email updates (going to post0to ask for prayer and support. I would have had a MUCH more difficult time going through those 5 weeks, and so far the 2 weeks and 4 days since finding out I was going to have a miscarriage, without the support and prayer of my Living Stones community and family. I have definitely been learning that it is ok to not be ok and I don’t have to have it all together.

Day 3 - Healing and Hospital Visit (moved from family blog)

Well today was interesting. I was at a friend's daughter's 1 yr old party which was lots of fun. then about 45 min in, I started doubling over in pain from cramps and low back pain. Since most of the other guests didn't know about the miscarriage, I was trying to hide it. It got to the point where I had to leave early and have my friend drive us home since Robert was at home and we only have one car. I went home and laid down on top of a heating pad to see if that would help. 3 hours later the pain was still excruciating (it felt as painful as labor pains) with no sign of stopping anytime soon. I called the nurse on call at my ob/gyn and she told me that since the pain was so severe I needed to go to the ER. We didn't want to bring the girls with us to the ER because we didn't know how long it would take and I didn't want them seeing me in that much pain.

We were able to get in super fast, within 15-30 min. They did an exam and found out that some lady stuff was stuck unable to come out the way it normally does each month. They weren't able to remove it so they admitted me and scheduled me for a d&c. They gave me some pain meds which kinda helped. The procedure was successful and now just resting using the hospital wifi. I LOVE that they have wifi! I should be discharged in the morning. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep. So not tired right now!

One of my best friends brought me a sandwich, applesauce and sorbet - YAY friends! Robert brought the girls to visit, The girls just left the hospital about an hour ago and apparently on the way home Robert said that as soon as they got home, they were going to go straight to bed because it is super late. Chloe said, "no late, it's rude to be late." We are teaching the girls that it is rude to be late. I thought you would enjoy that little misinterpretation of which meaning of the word Robert was using.

Beginning the Journey - moved from family blog

I may post blogs about how the healing process is going - not sure yet. I'm doing okay but that could be because I've been distracting myself with TV and Internet. It comes in waves but really the hardest points for me is when Caitlyn kisses my belly or when Chloe says where's mommy's baby over and over and over. I know that pregnancy and loss are abstract concepts that are difficult for a 2 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old to understand. Chloe has also already started asking mommy another baby? I mentioned once yesterday that after mommy is all better and healed that we are going to try to have another baby. I am also struggling with a small amount of bitterness, there are A LOT of women that I know right now that are pregnant. I'm truly happy for them and truly sad for us.

I have to go in tomorrow to get a hormone level check so they can make sure it is going down. If it isn't down enough by Monday or Wednesday they will have to do a D&C under general anesthesia. We are hoping that I won't have to do that. As my body "takes care of things" I'm in some pain but really more than anything I just feel like I'm in a bit of a fog. It's hard to be going through this and still be responsible for toddlers who aren't quite ready to do things on their own. Although Chloe is getting pretty good at changing her own diaper! and getting food from the pantry - but this one I'm not too fond of, we may need to child proof that door too.

I"m grateful that I have a busy weekend ahead so that I won't just sit and focus on our loss but I also don't want to gloss over this and not grieve. I know that God will help me to grieve when the time comes, when He thinks I'm strong enough to handle it - it could be now it could be weeks, months or even years from now. He has helped me to grieve for my mom - that took more than 8 1/2 years but I've finally accepted it and am not angry anymore. I think that I'm stronger than I was before and hopefully the grieving process won't be nearly as long this time.

A verse that is helping me today: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Emails sent to friends - 5/27/09-6/19/09

Below are emails sent to friends when we didn't know what was going on with the pregnancy..
*************************************************************************************
5/27/09~

Hope you are having a better day than we did today. I went to the dr today to find out how far along I am with this pregnancy after finding out 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant. It looks like about 5 weeks although, they couldn't find the heartbeat or something called the fetal pole (I just looked it up on wikipedia and I feel much more calm now - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_pole ). They tested my hcg (pregnancy hormone) and while the level was increasing it is increasing slower than desired. From what I've read, slowly increasing hcg levels almost always lead to a miscarriage. They are having me come in for a follow up ultrasound next Thursday, June 4th at 1130am.

From what the dr was saying here are the possibilities:

* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with twins
* today's ultrasound was too early and I'm pregnant with one child
* molar pregnancy
* possible miscarriage

Today has been very emotionally draining. Please be in confidential prayer for me and my family. I'm very torn about whether to share this with more people because I do believe in the power of prayer. At the same time, I think that it might be too hard on me to have more people know especially when I don't know how this is going to play out. So basically, use your discernment in whether or not to share. Please do not post anything on facebook as we were planning on telling our family in person in mid june and with this latest development, we want to have more information before telling them.

Thank you for your prayers and support during this time, and always! I am very honored to have you all in my life.
*************************************************************************************
6/4/09
Thank you all so much for praying! I have definitely felt it over the past week.

I had my follow up ultrasound today and there were some positive changes from last week but still inconclusive. Although it has been 8 days since my last ultrasound, they were only able to see 3 days of growth which means either the first calculation was off or that there is something developmentally wrong with the pregnancy. (If you want more exact details, please let me know via email - I just didn't want to have too much info here for people who may not want to know the details).

So....the waiting continues. I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks on June 18th at 1245pm and based on that ultrasound, I should have a definite answer as to whether this pregnancy is "viable" or not. I hate the medical terms because it doesn't take into account that life has begun already.

I'm doing okay with the information - it is just difficult because 1 day my body acts pregnant and then the next day it acts like I may be losing the pregnancy. Please pray that these 2 weeks will fly by as waiting and not knowing is the hardest part in all this. Please also pray that when we tell family next week (we wanted to do it in person) that they will hear it all well and not be careless in their words and that God would use this situation to cause them to draw close to God or even to begin desiring God.

Thank you again for all of your prayers & support. I am VERY grateful to have you all in my life!
*************************************************************************************
6/16/09

Today my body started doing some things that could indicate the beginning of a miscarriage or it could just be irritation in baby land. I called the dr. and the nurse said to just wait and see and there is still a possibility that things are fine. I'm starting to prepare my heart and mind for what feels like the inevitable yet I have hope that this isn't the end. Please pray for my heart and my mind to not be troubled but to be focused on God and His sovereignty. Please also pray that the next 40 hours and 7 min until my next ultrasound fly by so that I don't focus (or research on the Internet - dangerous!) solely on this situation.

As always, please let me know if you have any questions or if you want more information as I am being intentionally vague.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
***************************************************************************************
6/19/09~

Thank you so much for all of your prayers over these last 5 weeks. It has brought me peace and has helped the time creep by a little faster. As some of you already know, it was confirmed today that I did have a miscarriage. I'm doing alright overall but am trying to figure out how to grieve and be a wife and mom at the same time. The last time I really needed to grieve was after mom died nearly 9 1/2 years ago. Back then I had no hope and now I have hope in God and his sovereign plan for my life. So I'm not too sure what grieving looks like without the heavy partying and such. I do know that there is ice cream involved. :-) I don't think it has hit Robert yet as he has been VERY busy at work. He came with me today, but he had to go back to work.

I am not angry at God for the miscarriage, he did not "do it" to me. I understand that it is a result of the fall of man, when sin entered the world it fractured many things and corrupted them. I am confused and I don't understand why He allowed this pregnancy to continue since he knew when and how it would end. I know that there is a reason and that I may never know that reason. But above all, I trust God and as our pastor said recently, "Even when you can't see His hand, trust His heart." and I do. I do know that as God has used other things in my life, He will use this too.

Please pray that we will all grieve for this loss and that we won't allow it to overwhelm us even when the waves of grief are threatening to crash down on us. We are planning on continuing our family. We recently felt God impressing upon us that He wants us to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with, this miscarriage hasn't changed this but we do sincerely hope and are praying that we will not experience many more losses such as this. Please also pray for wisdom and discernment for timing of trying again (after the dr gives the ok).

Some of you have asked if there is anything you can do...PRAY. Also it's okay to simply say sorry or even that you don't know what to say. Please be understanding if I'm not up to talking, it isn't anything personal.

I am thankful for each and every one of you!

Love~

Nikki

Background info and Finding out we were pregnant

When I was pregnant with both Chloe and Caitlyn I told pretty much everyone right away as soon as we found out – best friends, family, small group, then the world.  I have always found out early on in my pregnancies. With Chloe, I was 4 weeks when I found out because we were doing FSH shots, Metformin and Clomid to get pregnant. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which means I don’t ovulate regularly. With Caitlyn, I was 5 weeks when I found out. I was craving the same things I did in my first trimester with Chloe – anything with vinegar in it, pickles, mustard, potato salad, and other things. Caitlyn was very much a surprise because we assumed, that when we were ready to have another baby that we would go back to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to restart medications, shots and if needed necessary procedures.
Earlier this year, I felt God impressing upon me that He wanted us to be willing to have as many kids as He wants to bless us with, which either meant we were done having kids or that there would be more kids to come. I knew that it had come from God and not myself because I am definitely not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. My body doesn’t like being pregnant, it rebels. If I could boil pregnancy down to 5things and have it not take 40 weeks I would be ecstatic. 1. Finding out we are pregnant 2. Telling others 3. Feeling the baby move for the first time 4.finding out the gender 5. Having the baby (not the actual labor itself but the result of having the baby. I realized a few months later that just because God asked us to be willing, it didn’t mean that He was promising that He would bless us with more children. This was a hard realization because I wanted it to be a promise because I didn’t feel like we were “done” yet. We stopped prevention methods back in August of last year. I will also not go back on any type of birth control because it messes with my hormones too much and it makes trying to get pregnant when we are ready much harder. I know that this may not be understood or agreed with by many but it is a choice that my husband and I have made and it is our choice to make. I believe that God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle even when it feels overwhelming. So I am literally an open vessel. 
I found out that I was pregnant when I was only 2 weeks and 4 days along. I was feeling very exhausted, even more than usual as I am a mother of 2 very active toddler girls Chloe 2 ½ and Caitlyn 1 ½. I went to my primary care doctor in May and she ran a thyroid level test and a pregnancy test. My husband Robert was convinced that I was pregnant so I had asked the dr to run the pregnancy test even though I was so sure it would come back negative. Well my thyroid levels came back slightly elevated and I was pregnant! I was kind of in shock and not sure whether it was the right time to have another baby. We were trying but not really very aggressively. I was in the process of losing weight and wanted to get down to a lower weight before getting pregnant so that I might have an easier pregnancy. My goal had been to get down to a specific weight and then aggressively try to get pregnant. Pregnancy is pretty hard on my body, my whole body aches severely throughout the whole pregnancy. I did want this baby although at times I felt overwhelmed not sure I could handle another baby, especially with 2 toddlers. But I realized that if God had blessed us with a pregnancy that I was able to handle it.
We decided that this time we would wait to tell the general population as there had been many miscarriages over the last few years in the Living Stones Community (the service we attend, Living Stones is a ministry of Grace Church in Reno, NV). Some people knew that we were trying or at least that we were open to the possibility. Since we weren’t telling a lot of people, when they would ask what was new or even point blank ask, I would say that it would happen in God’s timing. I felt bad for not telling the truth but I wasn’t quite ready to have everyone know. I told one of my best friends, Sarah the day after we found out. Then at church the following day, I pulled aside another best friend, Lisa and kind of whispered, ok I’m going to tell you something but I need you to stay calm. I can only imagine what she was thinking I would say next. I told my friend George because he also is in charge of the ministry heads of Living Stones, I’m currently the ministry head of the book store for Living Stones. When I was pregnant with Chloe, I was a ministry head of another ministry at Living Stones. Within a month or two of that pregnancy, I dropped out of the ministry and became very sporadic in my attendance of church and small group (bible study) because I was tired, sore, and pregnant – I didn’t realize that life didn’t really need to stop when I was pregnant. When pregnant with Caitlyn, I again became very sporadic in my attendance of church and small group. I didn’t want to start the cycle of being sporadic again and so I knew I needed accountability. The following week, I told my small group and even gave them all Pregnancy Prayer cards that I had written with ways they could specifically pray for this pregnancy complete with physical, emotional and financial needs. I slowly told other women that I am close to but we hadn’t yet told family because we were going to be visiting in less than a month and we wanted to tell them in person for at least one pregnancy.
My primary care doctor wanted to repeat the thyroid and pregnancy tests a week later to make sure that the thyroid levels were going down and the HCG (human chorionic gonadatropin) levels were increasing, indicating a healthy pregnancy. My thyroid levels went back down to normal range and my HCG levels had gone from approximately 4000 to 11000 which is good but not great. HCG levels should double every 72 hours, but they don’t always with everyone so at this point I wasn’t worried.
I went to see my ob/gyn 2 weeks later so that they could confirm the pregnancy with an ultrasound. Also I wanted to find out how far along I was because my LMP (last menstrual period) was March 5 ( I had skipped April) and I definitely knew that I wasn’t 10 or 11 weeks along because my body didn’t feel that far along. The R.N. at the ob/gyn office did my internal ultrasound and could see a gestational sac but no embryo. She said that I was measuring 5 weeks along. I had them print me a picture anyways so even if things went horribly wrong I would have some type of picture of my baby. I talked with my ob and he said that based on my hcg levels, they should at least be able to see an embryo even if there was not yet a heart beat because usually with an hcg of 2000 an embryo can be seen. He said that it didn’t look good but that there was still a possibility that everything was okay and it was just too early to see the embryo or even that my levels could be so high it could be twins. He sent me to get another hcg level and told me to come back in a week for a follow up ultrasound. My hcg this time was only 13000 almost 14000. My nurse said that it didn’t look good but there was still a possibility that everything was fine.
I went to small group that night and just cried my eyes out. My friends prayed with me and just hugged me trying to comfort me in any way that they could. Due to vacations and work schedules only 4 of us were at group that night and since it was a very weighty study on Titus 3, the small group leaders had already decided to postpone it til the following week to give them more time to really dig deep into it as well as wait until many of the girls would be able to attend. We just had a low key hang out night which is exactly what I needed. We walked to a store and bought ice cream, ice cream doesn’t make everything better but it certainly helps.
That weekend, I was helping at the MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) garage sale. I talked to some of the other moms and found out about other women who had the same thing happen with their ultrasounds where they couldn’t see an embryo and were told to expect the worst but then they went back a week or two later and they were able to see an embryo, heard a heartbeat, and went on to have a healthy baby. After I heard this, I had hope again that everything was going to turn out fine and that the same thing would happen to me.
Eight days after my ultrasound, we went back in for the follow up ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown and now there was also a yolk sac which was progress but still no embryo. However the baby was only measuring at 5 weeks 3 days although it had been over a week. I convinced myself that the first calculation was wrong and that everything was fine. The tech said that we could be cautiously optimistic. I again asked for a picture. The dr sent me to repeat the hcg which went up to about 14000 which was not very much progress at all. He asked me to come back in 10 days but I was going to be out of town and so they scheduled another ultrasound for 2 weeks later, which would give us a definitive answer one way or the other about whether the pregnancy was progressing and would continue or whether it was ending.
We went to visit family and told our parents and siblings that we were expecting. There was a lot of shock since our youngest was only 19 months old. It was weird for me because I was expecting the same reaction from our family as from our friends who immediately would hug and congratulate me so happy for us. I think that our family was just concerned about our finances especially in this economic climate. It could also be that some of the ways we told them came out a little suddenly and awkwardly. I was kind of surprised at the shock and some of the careless comments because we had told them that we were planning on having four kids. I realized later that we hadn’t yet told them that God had impressed upon us that He wanted us to have as many kids as He wanted to bless us with.

Introduction

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
I’ve decided to blog about my journey through the mourning of our loss of our baby. I have always found that writing has helped me work through things and it also helps me to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come especially when I get discouraged or feel like the pain will never end. Why am I making it public and not just a private journal? I’ve found when I have tried to work through pain or even grief completely by myself without talking to others or letting others know where I am at, I begin to isolate and turn inward. I also fully trust that God will use this pain and heartache to help others who have been through loss and pain and haven’t ever really addressed it, are in the process of addressing it or are at the beginning of the pain or loss not quite sure which way is up. WARNING: At times it may be very raw, wordy and even may include TMI (too much information). This is my place to be completely open and honest. This is also why I decided to make this a separate blog so that if family and friends chose not to read about all of this that they wouldn’t be forced to just to see our other family updates.